A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
However, European leaders completely agree with the behavior.
“It’s standard protocol to breathalyze everyone who enters Wembley Stadium to make sure they’re drunk enough, including players,” says Mayor of London Sadiq Khan. “This incident makes sense to me. Prior to our election, the recorded rates of intoxication throughout the stadium were much higher. America’s terrifying future is in the hands of its citizens, and to cope, in one of those hands should also be a cold one.”
This finally got me curious to have a look.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjSiCqLUr7A
Gods. That was indeed bad.
That was impressively bad lmao I'm surprised she wasn't immediately booked to perform for the RNC
Apparently she immediately checked herself into rehab
Rehab won't help the creeping sense of dread consuming us all. But glad she's trying.
I’d lord it over the others in rehab. Oh, your lowest moment resulted in your family hating you? Mine was aired nationally and will be viewable for the rest of my life! In your face!
But seriously, I hope she finds what she needs in rehab.
Lol, do they actually have fireworks in every match?
That's incredibly cringe. Well the whole thing about singing the national anthem is cringe but the fireworks really makes it 10x worse.
This was an All-star game, not a normal match.
It started off okay and then wow did it take an abrupt turn.
Whole thing sounded like she learned singing from tiktok that morning
Stealing from the comment section on that video
"First Trumps ear, now ours!"
Holy fuck that was the worst singing I have ever heard in my entire life
This has to be on purpose
I think I've found my new ringtone
worst thing to happen to this country since President Clinton,” said Republican Governor, Greg Abbott, as he turned on a generator to power an air conditioner and dressed himself in a bullet-proof vest
Yup, sure sounds like him.
I don't even believe she was drunk, she just sucks. Her studio albums weigh heavily on autotune from my brief listen
Also why even hire a country "musician" whose vocal range is one octave and their songs are the same three chords, like what are you even expecting here
Country singers are the only ones left with who are willing to sing the national anthem.
So that’s why they’re called country singers… ^/s^
People used to have lower standards
someone has to say i say it, so here goes: it's your anthem that sucks. i don't know who this woman is but i don't care. seriously it is so ass. and incredibly racist. ditch it for a better one. pick something people can sing. it's not normal that you sing this anthem since childhood and at every event but still out of all professional singers who attempt to sing it only Whitney Houston and like two more people could do it.
It does suck. The tune is adapted from a song praising wine. Being drunk when singing it seems appropriate.
I'm missing the racism aspect, though, how so?
It has four verses, even though typically only the first verse is performed. The full version has these lyrics:
And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave,
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave,
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave,
O'er the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.
I don't really read that as condoning slavery, as much as acknowledging that slaves fought and died in the war?
Ah, thought it might be something like that. Pretty much nobody knows any stanzas past the first exist, so it's a bit silly to criticize it for that. It sucks just fine without it.
Whiteley Houston's version was actually prerecorded, but she did sing it live when recorded in 1 take
Lady Gaga also did a very good version
Agree that with this girl in the OP, that the song (which is challenging) was just out of her range, plus she's a "cursive" singer like that girl in The Chainsmokers or Ellie Goulding, which is not a very good technique for singing IF you want range, flexibility, versatility, or even longevity in your voice. In general she's a decent, consistent singer (I've seen many videos of her performing live since this) as long as she's within her range. I think she just lacks the skill for that song specifically.
Seriously who the f is this girl
A person who makes decent music aside from that day. I mean, nobody can hit home run after home run but like.. Damn. She said she was drunk at that time, idk.
Here's a decent song of hers: https://youtu.be/j_A8Zjwr9m0
I found her anthem appropriate and think it should be sung this way going forward. It matched the vibe of this unchecked fascist takeover that is happening right before our eyes.
Incredible headline
Wait! Isn't sobriety unamerican...going off what I have observed.
It certainly is at a sports event
And lets be clear, its ANY sports event. My 2nd grade catholic school soccer games were just an excuse for the parents, coaches included, to get plastered. The church probably pulled in more money at the concession stand than at the donation plate.
Honestly the majority of the stadium probably didn't notice. It sounded like it could've been right.