Asklemmy

I once had an Excedrin get stuck in my throat sideways. That was a pretty uncomfortable several hours of my life.

You can do everything right that people taught you. But you only start living when you make mistakes, fuck up, and find the places where you belong, and a picture perfect life doesn't bring you happiness; it's rather shallow and lonely.

That paired with the realization that my mental disabilities will make me lonely for the rest of my life and there's only so much I can do about it without having breakdowns.

It's easy to do when we're all surrounded constantly by the paradox of money meaning nothing at all, but also the only material thing that dictates the action and activity of everything past and future

Biggest Pill I've had to swallow is that no matter much I love programming and will continue my computer hobbies for life. I will never make a profession out of it. I'm slowly coping with the fact that all my work will ultimately influence very nearly nothing at all...

Since no one on here will ever know me…

It’s accepting that I have autism and that having autism is ok. My mom used “autistic” as an insult against me, the first time I remember was from age 5 as an attempt to control behavior she saw as undesirable. Running circles outside until I wore the grass out and flapping my hands about was something I needed to feel ashamed about according to her. And so I hid that and everything else she criticized so hard that I couldn’t accept that the reason I struggled so hard with a lot of things in my life wasn’t because I was just some innate failure but because I had an unaddressed condition that was she not only refused to help with but actively made worse.

To this day I still cannot do things like make eye contact, or tolerate being touched. But I’ve learned to not only accept myself for who I am, but accept that little boy who never understood why his own mother never seemed to be able to love him.

That no matter how often people said it as a kid, I'm not capable of anything I put my mind to. I'm not smart, I'm very very mediocre at best, and my interests don't align with my capabilities so my only options for work are things I don't generally want to do.

I only really had 2 goals in life, a third developed later, and I've failed at all if them. I wanted to be in a loving relationship (going on 40 and have been single for the last decade), to not be the person who hates going to their job every day, and eventually I started wanting to own a home because I found that I need space for the hobbies I enjoyed. It's a Sinatra song right, 0 out of 3 ain't bad? Something like that... Lol

I only exist to care for the people I love, and without them I have nothing else to organize my life around.

That I didn't know who I was. My lack of self awareness hampered my growth trajectory, my maturity, and relationships. My first failed marriage was a pinnacle of this issue. Though, fast forward 5 years, I'm a vastly different person, know who I am and what I want and where I want to end up. I feel guilty for my ex wife and the impact I had on them. I hope they're happier where ever they may be.

That not only am I not a good person, it's mostly impossible for a person to be truly good. Even knowing what good is, in its entirety, is nigh impossible. The best that can be done isn't necessarily within my energy and/or skill.

There are wrongs that cannot meaningfully be righted.

Doing a little good some of the time is the most I can ever aspire to.

For me it was the discovery that my parents were shitty people on the narcissism spectrum. I had no clue, because when you grow up in a toxic environment, it's your "normal" and all you know.

None of my hobbies will last as long as I want and thats okay

I really am kind of messy but it's because I work so much I don't have time to do anything properly at all. I always feel frantic.

I'm horrible at acting in my own best interest and will say no to opportunities because i don't feel like i deserve it or that I'm capable of doing something.

That I have a tendency towards addiction with drugs. I've been high (marijuana) more often than not for the past decade, with spurts of alcoholism peppered in throughout my adult life. I also had a phase for about a year where I did shrooms once or twice a week.

I still struggle with my consumption, but at least now I'm aware that it can easily get to the point where it affects my life too much and can cut back when I'm starting to feel like I'm getting sucked in. I think I'll always be an addict of some form or another, though.