this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2025
56 points (91.2% liked)

Asklemmy

48155 readers
637 users here now

A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions

Search asklemmy πŸ”

If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!

  1. Open-ended question
  2. Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
  3. Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
  4. Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
  5. An actual topic of discussion

Looking for support?

Looking for a community?

~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~

founded 6 years ago
MODERATORS
 

Personal favorite is twat waffle

top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 46 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

They couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago

But I'm a genius in France!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

We have a similar one to this when someone is incompetent which is "They couldn't organise a pissup in a brewery".

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

Couldn't organise a root in a brothel

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

My personal variation, "couldn't organise a pissup in a pissupery".

[–] [email protected] 32 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

"Are you a professional moron, or just a gifted amateur?" - Carl Johnson, GTA: San Andreas. Top tier.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I never understood if that was directed at the car I just crashed into, or me (as the pilot)

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

Me either, which really makes it even better... could be both.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

I go with "Are you a professional fuckwit or is it just a hobby?" But its really the same joke.

[–] [email protected] 31 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

"Wow, you're the worst part of both your parents"

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago
[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 weeks ago

Please apologize to the tree that produced the oxygen you breathe.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 3 weeks ago

"Wisdom pursues you, but you've managed to outrun it."

or

"Wow, it must have taken all three of your brain cells to come up with that."

[–] [email protected] 14 points 3 weeks ago

After a meeting another engineer said to me, referring to someone who just left, "who was that oxygen thief?"

I replied, "my manager".... Putting the laughter in slaughter with that comment.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

None have suffered the ultimate retort, β€œI know you are but what am Iβ€”infinity,” and lived to tell the tale.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

Oooh that infinity at the end! That's all time. Literally.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 weeks ago

I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 weeks ago

β€œCalm down. You’re acting very presidential right now.”

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 weeks ago

Mr. Roger’s would be disappointed in you.

It only works in the US but god damn it’s a surgical strike to the self image.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 weeks ago

Would you like another try or is that actually the best you can do?

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 weeks ago

There's a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you've established no-one else present has seen it.

  • He's so dense light bends around him.
  • As useless as a marzipan dildo
  • As useless as lube at a funeral
  • I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
  • Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are to me.
  • Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
  • He's here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
  • I'm like flypaper for dickheads today.
  • Sorry I'm late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.
[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 weeks ago

"Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again."

One for the modern era.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago

I called JD Vance an Eyeliner Gerbil and everybody clapped

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago

β€œWho ?”

-Eminem

Still my favorite comeback, I use it fairly often

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

I've always liked "waste of skin"

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

May your pillow forever be warm.

I hope you step on a Lego.

Shh! The adults are talking.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago

I just don't think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly 'destroy' someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can't think of an example.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago

"Do you need a sign to wear?"

If you guessed Drill Sergeant, saying it to me, you'd be right.

Also a bonus:

  • don't change, mister guppy. I've got a bet riding on you!

(They had to say mister)

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago

Go brush your teeth!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago

Douche canoe or ass hat are my top choices. Especially when talking about politics.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago

If I wanted shit from you I'd squeeze your head

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Always been a fan of cock goblin

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

Is this the comeback?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago
[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

Hanger-dodger

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

What are you doing?!?

You want to go with slightly condescending, like you are giving the person the benefit of assuming they will recognize their behavior is ridiculous or dumb if you just point it out, and they just didn't realize yet because they got wrapped up in their mind with the nonsense.

For example: What are you doing? While motioning vaguely at the Huskers.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

You spunk trumpet.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

An insult from eastern Venezuela: "Campamento'e Pipe" (Dick's Camp).

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

"You couldn't draw a circle with a round glass"

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago
[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Fuck your entire fucking life, ya piece of shit.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

"The best part of you ran down your mother's leg."

The best part? My friend's dad said that to him when we were kids. Yeah, he was a major asshole. Also, not scientifically accurate. He was pretty stupid.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago
[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago

There are people who did not stand at the front of the line when intelligence was gifted . But that guy wasn't even invited at all....

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago

That one time when Peter asked Billy if he had a girlfriend

and he was like 'Yeah, your mother!'

load more comments
view more: next β€Ί