this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2025
55 points (92.3% liked)

Asklemmy

47812 readers
1019 users here now

A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions

Search asklemmy πŸ”

If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!

  1. Open-ended question
  2. Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
  3. Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
  4. Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
  5. An actual topic of discussion

Looking for support?

Looking for a community?

~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~

founded 6 years ago
MODERATORS
 

Personal favorite is twat waffle

top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 day ago

I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago

There's a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you've established no-one else present has seen it.

  • He's so dense light bends around him.
  • As useless as a marzipan dildo
  • As useless as lube at a funeral
  • I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
  • Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are to me.
  • Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
  • He's here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
  • I'm like flypaper for dickheads today.
  • Sorry I'm late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.
[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 day ago

β€œWho ?”

-Eminem

Still my favorite comeback, I use it fairly often

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 day ago

"Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again."

One for the modern era.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 23 hours ago

I just don't think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly 'destroy' someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can't think of an example.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

May your pillow forever be warm.

I hope you step on a Lego.

Shh! The adults are talking.

[–] [email protected] 44 points 1 day ago (2 children)

They couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (2 children)

We have a similar one to this when someone is incompetent which is "They couldn't organise a pissup in a brewery".

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

My personal variation, "couldn't organise a pissup in a pissupery".

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

Couldn't organise a root in a brothel

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

But I'm a genius in France!

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 day ago

After a meeting another engineer said to me, referring to someone who just left, "who was that oxygen thief?"

I replied, "my manager".... Putting the laughter in slaughter with that comment.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

"Do you need a sign to wear?"

If you guessed Drill Sergeant, saying it to me, you'd be right.

Also a bonus:

  • don't change, mister guppy. I've got a bet riding on you!

(They had to say mister)

[–] [email protected] 1 points 22 hours ago

I had a buddy who teed himself up for your mom jokes constantly. I swung and hit pretty much every time.

One evening he had enough and blew up. "God, you're such a dick! You must be the biggest dick in the fucking world!"

"Well, I fit in your mom just fine, so I don't see what the problem is."

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago

Mr. Roger’s would be disappointed in you.

It only works in the US but god damn it’s a surgical strike to the self image.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

"The best part of you ran down your mother's leg."

The best part? My friend's dad said that to him when we were kids. Yeah, he was a major asshole. Also, not scientifically accurate. He was pretty stupid.

[–] [email protected] 31 points 1 day ago (2 children)

"Are you a professional moron, or just a gifted amateur?" - Carl Johnson, GTA: San Andreas. Top tier.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

I go with "Are you a professional fuckwit or is it just a hobby?" But its really the same joke.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I never understood if that was directed at the car I just crashed into, or me (as the pilot)

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago

Me either, which really makes it even better... could be both.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Fuck your entire fucking life, ya piece of shit.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 day ago

"Wisdom pursues you, but you've managed to outrun it."

or

"Wow, it must have taken all three of your brain cells to come up with that."

[–] [email protected] 28 points 1 day ago (1 children)

"Wow, you're the worst part of both your parents"

[–] [email protected] 22 points 1 day ago

Please apologize to the tree that produced the oxygen you breathe.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

There are people who did not stand at the front of the line when intelligence was gifted . But that guy wasn't even invited at all....

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 day ago

β€œCalm down. You’re acting very presidential right now.”

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

What are you for?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

Have heard some great ones in Glasgow. The best part of you slid down the inside of yer mother's leg.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago
[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 day ago (1 children)

None have suffered the ultimate retort, β€œI know you are but what am Iβ€”infinity,” and lived to tell the tale.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

Go suck a tampon dry

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 day ago

Would you like another try or is that actually the best you can do?

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago

I called JD Vance an Eyeliner Gerbil and everybody clapped

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

You spunk trumpet.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

"You couldn't draw a circle with a round glass"

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago

I've always liked "waste of skin"

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

If I wanted shit from you I'd squeeze your head

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Go brush your teeth!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Douche canoe or ass hat are my top choices. Especially when talking about politics.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

What are you doing?!?

You want to go with slightly condescending, like you are giving the person the benefit of assuming they will recognize their behavior is ridiculous or dumb if you just point it out, and they just didn't realize yet because they got wrapped up in their mind with the nonsense.

For example: What are you doing? While motioning vaguely at the Huskers.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I recently watched a video about Gal Gadots acting and got 3rd degree burns from that

https://youtu.be/e065drYAKsw

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

This was hilarious. Thanks for sharing.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

An insult from eastern Venezuela: "Campamento'e Pipe" (Dick's Camp).

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago
[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Always been a fan of cock goblin

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

Is this the comeback?

load more comments
view more: next β€Ί