"AI," what should I do about being constipated?

Painfully stretch your rectum to gaping in order to accommodate your constipation.

Hey Alexa, please examine my rectum

The poop knife is irrelevant until and unless one plans to flush, which this question did not ask.

Also, why do you assume the nurse is a lady?

As someone who tangentially studies IBS, have you tried to follow a low-FODMAP diet? It doesn't remove everything, but makes it easier and is currently the best approach according to studies.

have its* moments

I'll always remember the kid who broke both his arms and his helpful mom.

I ended up occasionally chugging about half a liter of water before going, because this started happening.

That seems to actually do something very useful when I think I've not had enough water prior, but I don't actually know the details of how the body moves and uses that water. It intuitively feels like 2-3 minutes should be too short of a time-span to start doing useful work, but it still seems to work.

In general not using piddly little 0.2l glasses and instead keeping a large glass or bottle with me isn't just helpful, it's vitally important. I simply can't get by occasionally drinking small glasses of water. Other than the first day I'd resolve to start drinking more water again, I never went to fill them up enough times to actually get sufficient hydration for my size.

Additionally, I've learnt to feel my hydration on my lips, if they're dry I need a drink. But I am an unreliable, irrational actor. I don't always pay enough attention, or stay on top of things even if I notice, so I'm likely to resort to desperately chugging water again.