Let's start with Vodka. What a fucking waste. Vodka, at it's best, is supposed to be flavourless. So you're already off to a terrible start. If you're asking for a Vodka Martini you're asking for Strong Vermouth.

So let's get that out of the way. You need the standard gin. Gin is delicious. There are many different Gins to choose from. Gin has actual flavor. I like Hendricks, but try and figure out which Gun you like best. Beefeater is great for a gin & tonic, might not work as well in a Martini. Try a few different options.

Now we've got Gin and vermouth. Those two work together beautifully.

Now I like a good olive. I say make that fucker dirty. Extra dirty. OLIVE ME THE FUCK UP! That's what I want. You want it straight up? Fine. I think it's packing but it's the traditional way and I won't complain. You want a cocktail onion? That's called a Gibson and I ain't complaining.

But GIN THAT FUCKER UP. Fuck off with your weak ass Vodka Martini. I don't care if it's Grey Goose or some other "fancy" shit. That ain't no Martini.

That's because they're watered down weak martinis. The whole reason you don't shake a martini and you should stir it is because when you shake it it chips the ice and makes it melt faster. By shaking it he's making it weaker.

So, I would love to know your recipe. Because that's where I'd guess you fucked it up.

I would guess you used vodka and used either too much vermouth or too little. (I'd guess you used too little rather than too much...) But what do I know?

You used dry vermouth, not sweet?