Asklemmy

When my kid started out using the internet, it was over-the-shoulder supervision to start out, then slowly dropping to in-the-room supervision (the PC in the living room), and progressively less over time, with the clearly stated proviso that I would occasionally be glancing over history just to make sure he wasn't getting caught up in anything horrible, but that I wouldn't be going into any kind of detail. At 13, he got his own PC in his room, and I left him to it.

I'm a very firm believer that you don't attempt technical solutions to administrative problems. Privacy is important and monitoring is shit. You equip your kid with the tools and the supervised-experience to make good decisions, and once they can balance by themselves you let go of the bike.

Teach them to do dangerous things safely, that's parenting in a nutshell.

(actually to clear up a misconception: to teach a kid to ride a bike, you hold the shoulders, not the bicycle. With the extra feedback they can actually compensate and learn to balance; if you hold the bike itself it just weirdly fights them and their cerebellum never gets it)

Kids will happily brainrot away for hours and hours. Adults have the capacity to get themselved to stop. But kids will watch Spiderman and Elsa shit on YouTube all day if they can

Of course you need to limit it some, then again I wouldn't give an ipad to a 5 year old

Kids are people who deserve freedom and privacy. Teach them internet safety and common sense, and make sure they can always talk to you without the fear of punishment if they saw something they shouldn't have.

It's a tool, like any other.

Like, our kid did some abysmally stupid shit online a few years ago. They did it despite having been warned about how things can wrong and being told specifically not to do the thing they did, and what the consequences would be if they did.

So, parental controls. That started out absurdly strict, and lessened over time to supervision only. Now, the only limit they have is for bedtime. But supervision can still happen at any time. Kind of a trust but verify thing.

However, they also know that I'm not going to go poking my nose where it isn't my business. It's about the kind of activity, not the specifics, if that makes sense? I'm not giving details because what they did is between us and them, and I don't give out anything about them in a direct sense even if it was something they were okay with me discussing. That's about privacy, and that's where the boundary is.

And I think that's the key to using parental controls as a tool instead of a weapon, if that makes sense. The goal is to guide them, give them a chance to learn. You don't take a kid out in the woods and just drop them off with no training. Parental controls are the digital equivalent of letting them learn in your back yard first. We can't be over their shoulders all the time, so we use fences and keep an eye out the window. As they grow and learn, you move the fences a little.

A good example is porn. We all know damn good and well that at some point, our kids are going to run into it. The job is to prepare them for that. Doing so takes time; you can't explain why xhamster isn't about pets to a six year old. So you block things until their individual development makes it a reasonable conversation. You give that information in stages, chunks broken up as the kid is ready for the next one.

But! You play fair. You tell them that there's things they aren't allowed to access because they're not for kids. This requires building trust first. They have to know that they can come to you with anything and not be treated like they did something wrong for asking. You have to give them honest answers, and do the dance of making it age appropriate. That way, by the time they're at the stage where they're chomping at the bit and doing dumb teenage stuff, you can trust them to come to you with things before they dive into some internet cesspool.

When shit happens and they run into something ahead of when they're genuinely ready for it, you turn it into an opportunity to guide them and keep the trust going both ways.

We're lucky as hell with our kid. That trust is there. They'll come ask about some weird shit, and if I say "you don't want to know", they shrug and ask when they should ask again. And they come back down the road and ask again. So far, anyway lol.

As far as spying, that's a hell no from me. We're up front about it all. They know I keep a check on the traffic in and out across the board. They also know I won't be a dick if they explore some. The most I'll do if they're exploring something that's not age appropriate is directly sit them down and talk about it. No bullshit, they'll get the best answers I can give, there's no "punishment" at all, there's no ranting and raving or arbitrary pronouncements. It's all about making sure they understand what they're getting into, and guiding them to better things.

It's fucking hard though. There's been times I want to just wield the dad hammer lol.

I dunno if that's the kind of thing you were looking for or not. But it's a thing I was looking into well before the kid had any internet access that wasn't on our laps, literally. We adults thought it out, talked it out, and came up with as much of a plan as is realistic to make when a kid is going to be an agent of chaos lol.

My upbringing was extremely "do what you want, but deal with the consequences."

"You can watch an R-rated horror movie, but don't come to me if you can't sleep at night"-type of situation.

My impression has generally been that my freedom to do what I want let me learn a lot about decision making, responsibility, curiosity, and modern survival skills like Googling things. I'm genuinely baffled by how poorly some people my age use the computer and find things on Google, and I somewhat suspect many of them probably simply haven't had the opportunity to explore technology on their own. And a lot of my hobbies were developed exactly because I allowed to do what I wanted when I was a child.

As for children doing stupid shit and searching up things that aren't appropriate for their age, my thought has generally been, why is it the parent's role to keep that from the child? I strongly believe that a parent's role is to prepare the child to be a functional adult, not to baby them.

I acknowledge that all children are different, and perhaps there are some cases in which having parental controls would help. But I think my life would be duller if I were raised with parental controls.

Edit: having read some of the other comments, I think there's 2 aspects to the question of parental control. The first is the aspect of children learning about age-inappropriate things, which I've mainly been focusing on. The other is the aspect of discipline and management (ie, preventing your children from spending 12 hours on YouTube). I think people have made interesting points about this aspect, and I respect their opinions. I personally agree with BananaKing's take that parental controls is the wrong tool for the job. Train your children properly and you shouldn't need to use parental controls to control their screen time.

I've never understood screentime that works like, 1 hour of computer+TV+phone allowed per day. You can't even finish a movie in that... I'm glad my parents were lenient on me in that sense, and I was trustworthy too since I didn't do anything bad.

My parents treated my device access something they had to keep a keen eye on. They were good at manually making sure I wasn't sitting around having my brain rot, but their spying on what I was doing into my teens left me with some trust issues.

They briefly tried to use technological solutions to control my access and monitor me, but all that served was to make me very good at circumventing them. Outsourcing parenting to a computer program doesn't work, and kids notice when you try.

I've got an 8 year old with a 20 minute timer for YouTube on the tablet, but a bunch of other things wide open. If they want to watch YouTube more, the TV will let them just as much. I've got timers on the tablet, keeping it locked out until 5:30am, because they'll wake earlier to use it more in the morning otherwise and be a grumpy butt throughout the day. (It's just what happens when there's too much in the morning)

As for apps, permission is required, but I'll just ask what it's about and install it anyway.

I think we should give parents the tools to raise their children as they see fit and the freedom to be able to make that choice.

As a kid I was effectively given unlimited screentime, and that definitely shaped me into adulthood for better and for worse. My wife has severe insomnia so she often sleeps until 11am, and my 4 year old always gets up around 7:30am so before she started school we setup an old phone with a managed google account with a 2.5 hour screentime limit, and a 30 minute limit for the YouTube Kids app (grandma got her hooked on YouTube of course so no putting that cat back into the bag) to encourage more enriching content (I preinstalled the PBS Kids apps, as well as a number of age-appropriate games) She's at an age where she's extremely impressionable and without locking things down will end up installing things by clicking ads or watching weird stuff she probably shouldn't be watching.

In the near future my plan is to gift my 4 year old an old ewaste laptop I acquired off a friend and a Minecraft account since she's really been getting into Minecraft when she gets to play on my or my wife's computers, and I'll probably play it by ear for when to raise the parental controls, but right now she's simply not ready for unrestricted internet access. I probably won't limit screentime on the computer other than telling her its time to do something else when she's been on the computer for too long, but we'll play it by ear.

If I were a parent; I'd only install a DNS filter against malware/ads to any device my kid uses until my kid is capable of understanding how to detect one. While I can teach them how to use the internet; it should be up to my kids to determine what they decide to do with it in the end.

But I do know the risks of having an infiltrated device on my local network; and I'm not having that.

You gotta ride the wave and you can't let the dragon drag on. The best "parental control" is a helpful and active parent in the life of their child.

I think watching over kids without them knowing is the key. Time limit is stupid in my opinion. Obviously porn sites and other appropriate sites will be blocked network wide and when the time comes I'll slowly teach the child how to circumvent the measures and even create their own.

As you have pointed out, feeling under pressure will definitely detrimental for the child development so it's best to avoid that.

I have a host list on my router. That always seemed like plenty (I block gambling and malware)

The internet isnt what it used to be. Sure it was never perfect but the neo-nazi pipeline is very real and is embedded into the "fun" kids content. Id say that controls to prevent seeing that content is required. Let them have fun content just make sure it isnt turning them into a monster. This is no simple task tho.

We're not at a point yet where this is a concern, so still on the brainstorming phase of how to do this.

I think the main concern I have is the addictive side of the internet that's enabled by their recommendation systems and infinite scrolling, so that's what I would try to block. For example, allow free reign on YouTube, but you have to specifically search for what you want to see.

There's also the question of privacy, and whether we should be keeping track of and checking their browsing histories. I'm currently leaning towards yes, while also making sure that they're aware of what we're doing. There's value in letting them make their own mistakes and learning from them, but that only applies to things that they can learn and easily recover from.