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Whelp, I've got cancer. It's the second time I've had it. About 9 months ago I was told the docs would treat me but I probably wouldn't make it.
Its been a hell of a time.
It's a blood cancer so at the moment I look normal from the outside. I've changed a lot though, in the sense that I've become more me.
I don't give a shit about anything except for spending time with people I like. I especially don't care about money or work.
It (death) is taking a lot longer to happen than I thought it would.
The real trip has been seeing other people's reactions; I accepted it early on but other people have had very different reactions. Mostly I think they just don't know how to react, or they don't think it will actually happen, or both.
I don't think the human mind is capable of understanding the concepts of "eternity" or "oblivion" very well.
I do believe in God but it's still scary.
Its the everyday things that catch you off guard; the other day I was wondering when the next soccer world cup would be, then I realised I probably wouldn't be around for it.
I think when I finally die it will be a relief from all the physical pain.
I had to watch my dad's being and body melt over 12 months dying of Glioblastoma.
And people just don't get that.
4 years ago next week marks my mom's diagnosis and the 10 months that followed. Watching your loved ones go slowly insane and become unable to speak and move in such a short time (she was mid 50s) when they should be healthy changes you. Everything I look at, everything I think about is now looked at under a different lense. And given my age, there just aren't a lot of people around me who have any idea what it's like and assume it's just handling the pain.
Like... no. I'm different now.
Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you've been able to use that experience to make the most of life.
Luckily I have a good therapist.
Who lost his sister to it.
Doesn't help that my brother also died of a heroin overdose (just 5 months before diagnosis ).
My mom moved away after Dad died to live near her sister... Which I understand. But dam I feel abandoned.
Also sometime in between I got a fibromyalgia diagnosis. So in also grieving my old life/body. Bleh. Hugs 🫂
Damn you've had it hard. I hope you find some joy in life, you deserve it.
I often think that as my body wastes away it will be a lot harder for the people around me than it will be for me.
They will have to watch it happen knowing they can't help, whereas once I'm gone I won't have to deal with the sadness and aftermath.
Sorry you had to deal with that.
Fucking hell dude, I wish you all the best there is and to enjoy the ride to the fullest while it lasts, which I hope it does for a long time.
Thanks :)
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it sounds like you have as great an attitude about it as possible though. If it’s too personal don’t feel obligated to answer, but I’m genuinely curious how you accepted it? Since my dad passed away several years ago I’ve become intensely afraid of dying. Like to the point I know I need to talk to someone about it. But I’d be really interested to hear your thoughts/ journey there
It's a tough question to answer, as it has been a very long and winding road, as they say.
I've had chronic health issues for most of my life, so thinking about dying isn't new. Plus I've even had cancer before, so I really thought about it then.
I think time is the main factor. Just sitting with the idea, being comfortable with it, not struggling against it, recognising that it happens to us all, some sooner than others, and that's OK.
When I feel upset or anxious about death I don't push it away, I focus on my breathing and tell myself that not only is it totally OK to feel this way, but it's completely normal. I imagine that I'm swimming in the ocean and a wave has lifted me up. I don't need to do anything, just relax and the wave will pass through me, and I'll still be there afterwards.
Early on into my relapse I got high (weed) and my brain took me to this place where I imagined life without me in it. Kind of like a ghost, watching everyone react before slowly getting back into their daily lives. I cried a lot that night but since then I've been a lot calmer and accepting of it.
Yes, people will be sad but they will ultimately be OK. Everything will continue as normal once I'm gone, and that's a good thing.
Today is the shitty anniversary of my brothers death from AML. He was sick for 3 years and its was good at times and then really hard.
He was already one of the most philosophical people I knew when he got sick. Social Security allowed him to have the time with his friends and family when he was deemed unable to work which really helped the whole process.
We got to drive across the US for the eclipse which happened during his last spell of better health (it was an upswing after a marrow transplant that ultimately failed). I’m taking my 6 year old and wife wherever we need to too see the eclipse this April. So I can show my son what his uncle and I saw right before he was born.
Damn bro thats rough af. Glad ur spending time with the people u love and hopfully u can set them up for success.