this post was submitted on 17 Feb 2025
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Lemmy Shitpost

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top 36 comments
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[–] [email protected] 60 points 5 days ago (2 children)

Me trying to raise kids

Well there's your first problem

[–] [email protected] 27 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Also "trying to excel in my work." Put in the same effort that your boss compensates you for.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 5 days ago

The trick of to have a net worth of at least $10M. It’s easy after that

[–] [email protected] 17 points 5 days ago (3 children)

I can't exactly cut the baby in half and jam it back into my fucking urethra.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 days ago

Not with any attitude!

*harrumph*

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

Aren't babies supposed to come out of uterus?

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 days ago
[–] [email protected] 4 points 5 days ago

Yeah, but now it's past the point when republicans care about it, so you can at least try without too much issue.

[–] [email protected] 32 points 5 days ago

The secret is to give up on having time for yourself and find the zen in the things you have to do anyway.

You ever wonder why dads tend to become all about their yard, their bbq and DIY? Because if I have to mow the fucking lawn, feed my family and fix shit all the fucking time I might as well find the satisfaction in a job well done.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 4 days ago (2 children)

I solved it by not having kids, seriously best thing I done in my life so far.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 4 days ago (1 children)

instead of trying to excel at work, just libreoffice calc instead! badum ts

[–] [email protected] 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Tbf, I was confused by the wording and your joke clarified it for me.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 4 days ago

Same. Honestly I wasn't even confused. I use a lot of excel at work, I just assumed it's a verb now

[–] [email protected] 16 points 5 days ago (2 children)

I know this is the least important one on there, but I don't get this thing lately where people talk about "staying hydrated" like it's some big challenge they have to put effort towards. Like... get thirsty, drink water?

[–] [email protected] 20 points 5 days ago

Look at this person, with their ability to tell what their body needs or when they're thirsty.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 days ago

The trick is that you need to drink more than just "im thirsty"

[–] [email protected] 12 points 5 days ago (1 children)

That's exactly where "they" want you. Too tired to lop off heads.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 4 days ago

When your scare quote "they" it makes you sound like you mean Jews.

It's Lemmy. Just say billionaires.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 days ago

Replace kids with pets and add handling multiple chronic illnesses and it's my life.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

I have failed the last one, going to go get some personal time off from work today, then maybe I can finally get some sleep.

Edit: got it, now I can rest, well shitpost on Lemmy as therapy.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 days ago

Btw, this look would be after I put time into my makeup and hair.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 days ago (1 children)

I do at least one of them. Guess which.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 days ago

Staying hydrated

[–] [email protected] 4 points 4 days ago

I’m only trying to do two of these things and I still look like that.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago

psst...~cohabitation~

[–] [email protected] -3 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (4 children)

~~"excel in my work" would be using a spreadsheet. "accel in my work" would be improving your skills/effort.~~

edit: corrected. I was wrong.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 5 days ago

“accel in my work”

work faster not smarter?

[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 9 points 5 days ago

You're right. I corrected my post.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Good on you for acceling in knowing when you're wrong, and quickly!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 5 days ago

Accel is perfectly cromulent

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 days ago

I excel in my work