A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
I was listening to a podcast and the host just factually read out the things Trump has been convicted for and has been found to have done throughout the years. It's insane! Enough shitbaggery to take down an 18th century European monarch, but Trump somehow just gets a pass on all of it, wtf?! Has this guy made a pact with Satan or what?
He stole money from cancer kids!! How does anyone politically survive that??
He didn't.
Summary of evidence and concerns: Trump is a Russian asset working for Putin (see book American Kompromat by journalist Craig Unger or Active Measures documentary with Hillary Clinton(1), sources below). Elon and Trump are working together (2). They both have substantial ties to Epstein (3) (4) (5) (6). Trump stole election software in 2020 (7). Similarly, Elon Musk has been in contact with Russia for the last 2 years (8). This includes during the Ukraine War when Russia began using Starlink (9) while it was claimed they got them third party and not from Musk himself; however now appears imo to show Elon is a doublecrosser.
Starlink, Elon's satellite company, was installed in some voting machines across the country (10) and may have interfered with vote tabulation. Voting machines were found to be connected to the internet (11). An independent report on voting machines concluded that tabulation tampering was possible with current voting machines, so hand counts are vital (12). In September, Politico had an investigation finding Russian malware on a state voter registration database (13). Also, there were malicious fake texts from fake DNC organizations, connected to Elon who donated to them, that were fishing voter info (14).
Elon had results of election on an app 4 hours before official counts had it (15), per Joe Rogan podcast in a discussion to Theo Von. Earlier this year, Tana Monogeau, released info that she'd been offered millions of dollars to endorse the Trump campaign and that she knew others had taken the deal (16).
They will release more info admitting their fraud because they are a Russian asset trying to start a civil war here (speculation). They want us to be confused about sources and who to trust and what's real, they want to release the truth to anger us and lies to anger us. Trump has refused to write an ethics statement for transition of power saying he will transition peacefully (17). JD Vance has also told the EU that unless they allow X unfettered access to the EU (to spread propaganda), they will withdraw the US from NATO (18) - which will prompt wars or takeover either way and weakens Germany, who is entering an election since their government couldn't agree on Ukraine budget. A Russian space chief said Elon Musk’s plan to bomb Mars is a cover to put nuclear weapons in space (19).
Also speculation, are reports of widespread ballot rejection, especially for signatures. There are articles claiming already that it is because GenZ does not know cursive (20) - except the signature simply must match your driver's license. It's not a cursive writing test. Avocado toast but with gen z voting fraud. We do not yet have the ballot rejection rates but typically they are around 1% to 1.5% (21).
Crypto is how right wing conservatism got funded here. It's why it took off- it was basically UBI for those men, funded by foreign intelligence for this purpose along with other uses for crypto like dark money, drugs, trafficking, etc (22)(23). The least informed people we knew were investing in crypto when it was starting, mining bitcoins. They couldn't tell you what a stock or tariff is, yet they were making bank in crypto trading. Crypto trading, especially memecoins, appears to be an obvious scam to most because it's the stock market without ownership. So why were these 4chan pedophiles and nazis doing so well? Because it was just meant to give them money the whole time. And crypto is great for transferring money internationally from shady organizations to shady people (24). Far right catchphrases and meme campaigns dispersed online including X, give out the key words/catchphrases for the new coin that isn't a scam and will disperse money. People who are deep in these groups' internet algorithms get these keywords first and normal outsiders will either not notice or will stay away. No normal person wants a coin that references Hitler if they are just scrolling memecoins.
Once the government has been taken over, they can force their memecoin as the national currency and then rug pull, which is also what Musk is likely going to do to Tesla at the same time. The entire point is to bankrupt America for Putin and his cartoon villain cohorts. Musk is already saying he wants to withdraw from US currency due to national debt (Trump added most of the national debt) (25).
If you're in Germany, take note. They are coming for you next, your election is soon.
News Links
(1) https://youtu.be/5umiMThrlsA
(3) https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2024/03/trump-infiltrate-voting-machines-georgia-2020.html
(4) https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/12/business/jeffrey-epstein-interview.html
(6) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/fire-and-fury-the-podcast/id1750757108
(7) https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/nov/01/trump-jeffrey-epstein-tapes
(11) www.nbcnews.com/news/ncna1112436
(13) https://www.politico.com/news/2024/09/01/us-election-software-national-security-threats-00176615
(15) https://grabien.com/story.php?id=499986
(16) https://www.buzzfeed.com/natashajokic1/tana-mongeau-paid-political-endorsement
(17) https://apnews.com/article/trump-transition-planning-ca3a6be50d147b04b6498184e5599b1e
(20) https://www.businessinsider.com/gen-z-voters-struggle-signatures-cast-mail-ballot-problems-2024-11
(21) https://ballotpedia.org/Election_results,_2024:_Analysis_of_rejected_ballots
(23) https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/10/opinion/crypto-cryptocurrency-money-conspiracy.html
Personal Testimony from the dickbags themselves:
youtube.com/live/HBPNfAUPz08?si=PZQa_D_wbN9VoA6y
In the first minute:
"Your votes are rigged. We can win New Mexico."
"If you can watch your vote counter, if we can bring God down from heaven (he's referencing Starlink), we can win this, win California, win a lot of states."
“If [Trump] loses, I’m f*cked… How long do you think my prison sentence is going to be?”
Why does Elon think he would go to prison though? For what crime?
youtu.be/Zmc0EN8XAY8?si=5u_mJNte37r4JmUb
Trump:"Our little secret is having a big impact"
If Trump was so sure the election was rigged and they were going to turnover every state including California, then why hasn't he asked for a recount in all the states with representatives that didn't get elected that he thought would be? Shouldn't he be suing for recounts? He did it last time. Why doesn't he want an investigation this time?
#AssetForfeitureTrumpMusk
If they get locked into years of asset forfeiture from layers and layers of state and municipal claims, we may be able to stop them
It's been a long game to get to this point, but the conservatives I know are completely isolated from reality at this point. They ONLY watch X and newsmax...Fox is too liberal for them these days.
All that douchbaggery has been scrubbed away in a very effective and sophisticated social engineering campaign over the last decade or so.
The cult leader can do no wrong.
Yes, we lost the Global Digital Propaganda Wars
...so it's a good thing my grandparents only watch Fox News and haven't moved into further bullshit? What a fun world to be living in now.
He survived because America is the country of incarceration and heavy punishment, and he recieved none of that. Therefore what he has done was apparently not that bad.
I'd argue that this is an example of 2 tier justice a d should make people mad as hell, but here we are.
This is exactly why people are trying to kill him. If the system refuses to incapacitate him, the people will find a way.
The people who have tried so far seem to be right wingers more interested in making a name for themselves than any ideological motive.
Those of us who already have dancing shoes for whenever his arteries finally finish the job aren't exactly looking forward to making him a martyr for President Vance to use either.
Conservatives all are about exceptionalism
...with Russian cash and idiots that believe in him.
Honey, the preschool called... Dylan grabbed his first pussy! Anyway we have to find a new preschool. Fucking libs!
I thought of a few fantastic Onion headlines and was tempted to write them but they all made me deeply sad.