I have family in Utah and there's a pretty common joke in this vein.
Why do you always invite two Mormons to a party?
Because if you only invite one they will drink all your beer.
this post was submitted on 14 Aug 2024
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Every Mormon I've ever met is very serious about walking the talk, alone or not. They're probably more serious about following the rules of their religion than any other religion. Well, them and Muslims, but Mormons seem happier doing it.
They're serious about following the rules because their entire social and community structure stresses conformity. If you break the norms of the faith there are serious repercussions and you can lose your entire family, community, and support structure. When they're alone with others who aren't of the faith they are definitely far more lax. I've drank beer and even had chocolate with Mormons before lol.
"[...] even had chocolate with Mormons [...]"?
Uh. There is absolutely nothing in the Mormon Word of Wisdom that says anything about chocolate. There isn't even anything about caffeine. The phrase used is "hot drinks", which has been interpreted by the Mor(m)on prophets to mean specifically coffee and tea (but not herbal tea). A particularly zealous bishop or stake president might counsel against caffeine consumption, but AFAIK they aren't going to prevent you from going to a Mormon temple if you chug a case of Red Bull and Bawls every single day.
Source: raised Mormon, was active for 25-ish years, former missionary.
former missionary.
Bit of an aside but I love fucking with (ex)-you guys. I have a stack of pamphlets from The Church of the SubGenius by my door and am well practiced in the religious dogma contained within, I turn the tables on em real quick and talk about our great guru J. R. "Bob" Dobbs as long as I can hold them while they get visibly annoyed lmao. See how they like it for a change!
I used to have a problem with jehovas witnesses waking me up regularly because I kept a night schedule. Like, every week or two, I'd be woken up in the middle of my sleep cycle by them.
Politely informed them I was solidly not religious, nor did I have any interest in religion at all.
They came back.
Asked them to remove me from their circuit.
They came back.
Started getting mildly rude, cutting them off and asking them to not knock on my door again.
They came back.
I answered the door in nothing but boxers and told them I don't care about their zombie Jesus.
Sweet uninterrupted sleep from then on.
Worked for a company that was entirely JWs, some of the most genuinely nice people I ever met, but knowing the whole process behind the scenes and how constrictive the lifestyle is, it was always off putting.
I was never witnessed to other than just general inquiry to get to know me in passing by coworkers. But their doctrine basically states that if I'm not a JW, I'm a non-person. I don't know how many of them believe it, but still.
They all have designated zones to do their "service" so if you refuse they'll still come back because they believe their ticket into heaven is to convince you what they say is true.
If anyone else who reads this ever has problems with them coming to their door, best way to get them to take you off their list is say "I've already been excommunicated from another kingdom hall in (insert town from 2hr+ away)"
“I’ve already been excommunicated from another kingdom hall in (insert town from 2hr+ away)”
Well, there's the trick. I don't think I could say those words without breaking. I'd be demanding a shrubbery before I could stop myself.
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Hey, I totally get it. I was a complete douchebag when I was a missionary, nearly 30 years ago, and we def. deserved a lot of the shit that we got.
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In my experience, a lot of "devoutly" religious people are like this.
I grew up Independent Fundamental Baptist (westboro, but less vocally homophobic) and my dad told me a few years ago he secretly kept a stash of alcohol in the garage while he was quite aggressively teaching that the Bible expressly forbade consumption of alcohol that could get you drunk because of a long argument that basically amounts to "Paul said so." (The proper response to that is "fuck Paul", obv. Paul was an asshat.)
You can twist anything into anything if you try hard enough, and they're really good at it.
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Jews don’t recognize Jesus.
Protestants don’t recognize the Pope.
Mormons don’t recognize each other in wendover
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They could also use the poophole loophole.
A tampon soaked in Vodka and inserted anally gets you drunk fast.
At least that's what a friend told me.
But then some alcohol might get on your magic underwear and then you’re just a run of the mill sinner again
I've heard it called God's blind spot before but poophole loophole is a great phrase
The poophole loophole usually means something different. They say anal sex doesn't count as "losing your virginity." So they can have all the premarital sex they want, as long as it's in the pooper.
Why not both?
JD Vance on the stump in Utah: “Tim Walz wants to get your kids drunk with ass tampons”
You could skip the tampon and just boof it.
I’ll bet you could even get a Supreme Court justice to help with that maneuver.
Okay. I can’t tell if you’re serious, but if that’s true, how does that work medically?
Don’t liquids get absorbed through the intestines? Can you even stick something up your butt far enough to reach your intestines?
It’s capillary action. It just rams straight into your bloodstream, no dilution or waiting to go through stomach. It’s fast and effective.
Plus the excitement of risking an overdose!
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Alcohol gets absorbed by mucus membrane much faster than by going through your digestive tract. And your anus is lined with mucus membrane.
It was a craze a decade or so ago where I live, cause teenagers did that to get drunk without having their breath smell of alcohol, and some of them ended up in the ER.
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Additionally to what others have said it's also quite dangerous. You can drink a fatal amount of alcohol but your body will generally puke before it absorbs enough to kill you.
Using this method (boofing), you don't have that defense, it's absorbed too quickly and your body doesn't generally shit itself to expel poison.
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Its called...soaking...don't Google that
We know.
You need someone else to shake the glass
This is the type of thinking that could be the next soaking or jump jumping at BYU.
That's the joke.
I see this so often now, I can't tell if people are honestly that dense or they're intentionally pretending to be. In the spirit of Fry and Andy Dwyer, I'm not sure I want to know the answer.
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How long should they let it soak?
I wouldn't want to be the guy standing in front of the Throne of God and saying "But technically..."
Don't worry there are a whole lot of jewish people that live inside a fishing line perimeter that are going to have to explain that whole racket before you get your chance to talk about soaking.
For the downvoters:
Religion in general is crazy
Nah. It’s a useful tool to use useful tools.
Believing in it is crazy.
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They need a friend to jump on the bed
What I find mad about this is that the Jesus they claim to follow (and totally not Joseph Smith who they really follow) drank wine and commanded His followers to do so
Growing up Mormon in the 80s (I got better!), they insisted to us kids that it was just grape juice, and for adults they simply put a social stigma on asking too many questions, or any uncomfortable questions.
If there is a theological principal in play it's that they view their prophets as still able to receive Bible-level revelations, and if their non-trinitarian God committee tells Joseph Smith that wine is bad now, then wine is bad now. If human nature then results in believers feeling like sinners who need to make it up to their community and their church leaders, then oh so sad, but it can result in the Lord's work being done.
In general Mormon theology is rather literal and childlike, only getting complicated when trying to work around some established Christian doctrine that no new book overrides (yet!). It's almost like some provincial huckster was making it up as he went along...
Yeah, just like how black people were bad and the "children of Ham" or whatever. After the Civil Rights Movement, Morman God mysteriously changed his mind and said "black people are ok now".
That didn’t happen until the Department of Education in the Carter administration started talking about whether students at BYU should be getting federal grants and loans, and I believe the NCAA was making some noise as well.
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The Word of Wisdom, which outlines the health guidelines of not drinking alcohol and using tobacco, as well as eating less meat, eating more grains; was originally just as the name suggests, words of wisdom.
Joseph Smith drank wine, used tobacco, and drank coffee up to his death.
It wasn't until the early 20th century when it started to be treated as a commandment. This is around the time when they started codifying a lot of doctrine, stopped practicing polygamy, and started to function more like a mainstream religion and less like a cult.
Source: raised Mormon, went on mission, took religion classes at BYU-Provo on church history.
Can they buttchug it?
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