The Onion

As trump completes his second week in office, new outlets continue to report on his bungled handling of a collision between a passenger jet and military Black Hawk. And this has America’s adversaries around the world nervous.

“I have to be missing someone we paid off,” said one Iranian official on condition of anonymity. “Do we have a speech guy, or a teleprompter guy? Do we need to send a bribe payment there?” The negative response from his staff left him disheartened. “Can we anyway,” he asked. “I’m getting a medal for this.”

This sentiment is reflected throughout America’s competitors around the globe, as intelligence agencies scramble to find out who they owe money for this flaming train wreck of ineptitude. A mid-level Chinese intelligence officer expressed his frustration. “They cut off all government grants,” he complained. “All of them. I have American researchers calling the Chinese government with papers ready to publish asking for funding.”

“I went to school for ten years learning espionage. This is like throwing babies into a shark tank. [ed. note - translation kept as appropriate]” he sighed. “Oh god, they’re starting a trade war with Columbia. I never thought I’d see my job outsourced to the US Government like this.”

And that’s a concern many former intelligence officers are noting. Much like the peace dividend of the fall of the Soviet Union decreased military spending in the West, there is the danger of a “stupid dividend” causing similar atrophy in America’s adversaries.

“I have guys in the office wearing “Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wound to America” tshirts at the office now,” said the Iranian Intelligence officer, “but they won’t be laughing when they lose their jobs.” He handed us all $10,000 each. “Here, keep reporting exactly what your government is doing to itself, but make it clear I told you to.”

The president could not be reached from his video golf game for comment.