this post was submitted on 25 Dec 2023
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Resources for adults (lemmy.world)
submitted 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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Hi all,

I got my diagnosis of Asperger’s a couple of years ago after a trip to the mental health ward at age 31. I looked around at the time but a lot of the resources are either technical academic books aimed at psychologists or materials for children or parents. So I put it on the back burner and have just found time to start really diving into studying Autism and how I can better manage life and relationships.

I found this community and the “Field guide to Earthlings” book, which I have found really helpful and makes sense of a lot. But I am still looking for more resources for adults with late in life diagnosis’ and coming up dry.

Does anyone know of anything that could be helpful/relevant? Looking mostly for coping skills, conflict resolution, emotional regulation stuff.

I’m also terrible at social interactions because I’m constantly questioning and analyzing everything. Small talk or just relating to NTs has always been hard because a lot of that they do and are interested in just doesn’t make sense or I have absolutely no interest in.

I’m in a rural area and there’s no local resources at all. I’m also not too keen on a lot of Youtube videos because I find the over-the-top noise and crappy characters/personalities/acting that hosts/influencers put on incredibly off putting. But I do like Youtube videos that are done in an informative manner and not for entertainment value.

Thanks in advance 🙂

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

Not specifically about Autism or NTs, but In my professional life I've found the book "Crucial Conversations" useful: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/

It breaks down psychological studies and kind of simplifies the rules for how to have difficult conversations that need to happen.

Also, it sounds cheesy but I found value in "How to win Friends and Influence People". Finding a way to take a real interest in what others are saying and asking follow up questions "shows* them that youre invested in the conversation. Remembering a few key things, like they have a dog or their kid was sick and asking about it the next time you see them shows you put in the effort and they will generally reciprocate. It still feels forced for me after 30+ years, but it works.

Thanks for sharing "Field guide to Earthlings", just ordered it for my teenage daughter, she's been struggling with the emotional toll of trying to enter into social relationships with NTs recently. She hadn't had an interest in the past but has recently been trying and it's been hard to explain. I believe I'm on the spectrum but undiagnosed, but I've developed so many mechanisms for interacting with the rest of the world it can be hard to explain them. They've become ingrained and almost second nature. I only get "in trouble" when I try to explain to NT how I think, other than that I mostly blend in.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll definitely check out "Crucial Conversations". That sounds like it could be helpful.

I've read some of “How to win Friends and Influence People” at the library but none of it made sense to me. It all just seemed so bizarre and it's understanding that sort of bizarre behavior I'm trying to do. So far I've dismissed a lot of NT behavior by thinking of it as base, instinctual behavior - like animals with mating dances and songs - and that has been fitting for the most part but is probably dismissive/reductive and I feel I should do more to understand. I've touched on philosophy but so much of that is concerned with religion or the questioning of some sort of 'divine' influence which is not helpful at all.

I hope your daughter finds the book helpful. I found it in the "Helpful Resources" section on the sidebar. Might be worth checking out if you haven't already.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 10 months ago (3 children)

I haven't found any good resources even in urban areas. There's just not much there for older NDs. Everything is geared towards children. Also, think it's very unknown how much more exhausting masking gets as you get older. It's not something you just get better at, it still takes a lot of effort and as you age and energy levels drop it becomes more and more unsustainable.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 10 months ago

I feel this. A few months ago I lost all my energy to maintain my mask- completely removed myself from my friends because I couldn't be the person I wanted to be for them. The energy it takes to be patient doing things I don't want to do, showing interest in things I'm not interested in, and supporting people who can't support me just drains me. While it's been moderately lonely as I also wfh, it's a bit liberating having a completely consistent flow throughout my day; all that mental and emotional energy I can now put towards me. Familiar cycle though... Once I glue my mask together, we go again!

[–] [email protected] 6 points 10 months ago (1 children)

i feel like I've found it both easier and harder as life goes on.

like, I've gotten better at it. it's easier for me to understand body language and facial expressions now. in fact, i think because i had to learn that from the outside I've gotten really quite good at that. it's made me a halfway decent actor it turns out 😅.

however, just like you, it's harder for me to want to. I get so tired of it, and my brain gets stuck comparing how much I'm sacrificing my time and attention to how much they're willing to do that for me and it makes me bitter. it's an extremely unproductive thought pattern, but i still struggle with it.

what I've really really lost patience for is people being rude over info dumping. i may come of as a little awkward for talking about image processing techniques and how important the debayering layer is to the quality of high frame rate video.... but you're a fucking dick when you say "o don't care, stop talking" after like 30 seconds. if i can overcome my stupid bullshit to wait patiently for you to make the fucking point i understood you were trying to make 8 sentences ago, you can let me babble about noise floors for the same

anyway... this community make me feel like i might actually be allowed to ramble like this... maybe. I'm sorry if that wasn't very well organized

[–] [email protected] 6 points 10 months ago

wait patiently for you to make the fucking point i understood you were trying to make 8 sentences ago,

This is so very frustrating. Especially when they feel the need to re-explain/restate the point multiple times, as if I didn't explicitly state that I understood the first time.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 months ago

This has been my experience too. Looking back, I did pretty well masking and managing burnout in highschool but when I got a job and had to deal with customers is when I started to really burnout and that was how I ended up in the mental health ward and learnt I have Aspergers. I have very little energy for masking these days.

I ended up moving out into the bush and becoming a hermit, isolating myself. I was pretty damaged at the time but I'm trying to make an effort to manage things better now. Just need to find the resources to do it.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

I was diagnosed earlier this year at 40 years old. For me, the most valuable resources on late diagnosis aside from this community have been autistic YouTubers. In particular, these three:

  • Autism from the Inside: He really breaks down things to simple terms that are easy to understand. Here's his main late diagnosis video, though he has several, including one that is a conversation with another autistic person.

  • Mom on the Spectrum: She was diagnosed at ~31. She shares her journey and what she has learned. I didn't find a main late diagnosis video, but she has several that cover the topic. Additionally, many of her videos also cover matters on late diagnosis.

  • Orion Kelly: I think he is quite intelligent. He seems like a strong advocate for autistic people. His videos have an especially assertive presentation. Here's his late diagnosis video.

Also, our chat room is a great place to ask any questions that may come up, especially those that you don't think merit an entire post or you don't want recorded in your Lemmy history. While it is a room that anyone with the link can join, the Helpful Support/Venting room in particular is encrypted, so only users that have joined the room at the time can see the comments. You can also join with a name that's different from your Lemmy account so that the two wouldn't be easily linked. We often have discussions on experiences and difficulties, and I'm seriously surprised how many we have in common. We then discuss ideas on how to help improve the matter.

Edit: Also, welcome to the club!

[–] [email protected] 5 points 10 months ago

Cheers. I probably should check out the chat room. I've always tended to be a lurker but am trying to make more of an effort.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Can I ask what was it that got you diagnosed?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

Had a mental health crisis and ended up in the hospital mental health ward. Got my diagnosis while I was in there.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

I'm sorry that happened to you but it sounds like it was a good thing to get the diagnosis in the end

[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (2 children)

Books about how to give structure to politics, leadership, and realtionships helps me.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3828370-political-savvy

The prince... No, really.

Fiction books by Larry Niven have autists as main characters and provides some frameworks for seeing the world, in a hardcore scifi environment.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

I've realized recently that reading and watching Tv and movies from different cultures is how I have learnt to understand things around me. Books with politics, scheming and conspiracy are good. Stories, myths etc have been the best explainers of NT behavior for me but there are still gaps in my understanding and I have a tenancy to understand complex/high-level ideas easily but have trouble grasping more fundamental concepts.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 months ago

Playing Avalon or some other liers game with people is helpful for building up the day to day tactics.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Larry Niven

Any specific ones?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Ringworld is a classic, if you like that one, then you can expand into the universe of N-Space

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 months ago

ty :)

[–] [email protected] 4 points 10 months ago

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