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Tucker Carlson claims he was mauled by a demon while asleep, leaving claw marks
(www.the-independent.com)
Demons LOVE the Bible so this makes PERFECT Sense!
this post was submitted on 01 Nov 2024
606 points (96.9% liked)
politics
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A new religion is born.
At the time, Carlson says, he was asleep in bed with his wife – and four dogs.
I have an alternate theory about those claw marks...
Is it Tucker Carlson has hell hounds for pets?
I watched that video, and had he just stuck to being suddenly awake and having claw marks I would have thought there was something odd. But he led with having four dogs in the bed, so when he said he had claw marks...dear lord, he's either trying too hard to play to some niche audience, or he's really that stupid. At least make the story sound plausible...we know you can lie, why didn't you just leave off some details here to sell it better.
Ever since he got kicked off Fox, he's been making the pivot to the hard right audience, which includes the narrative that they're in a spiritual war against the literal devil.
It's the same conspiracy-laden bullshit that Alex Jones pushes.
It's Jon Stewart's fault. Tucker never recovered from that jab about the bow tie.
And he never wore a bow tie after that. Lol.
If anything, Tucker needs another sit-down with Jon
He's been holding a towel on his rear-end ever since.
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The dude used to wear a bow tie, unironically, and in public no less, so...
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I bet it's deliberate. Like a power play knowing his story is clearly bullshit but the morons he's appealing to are believing it making him feel even more superior.
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Occam's Razor? Naw, it's gotta be Occam's Jewish Space Laser.
Yeah, if I were married to Tucker Carlson I'd be pretty messed up too.
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We know his wife didn't leave them in the throes of passion, that's for sure
But a mistress that he's trying to cover up? That's plausible.
If by "mistress" you mean "4 dogs" then I agree.
No man! It was a succubus!
A dominatrix is also plausible
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Dude, even small dogs can hog some serious space. 4 dogs? I'm surprised there's any room left for the fucker and his wife. He probably got scratches falling out of bed.
Holy shit I did not think the alt right could get any fucking dumber.
"I went to bed and woke up next to this unconscious woman... I was in my bed with the wife and dogs at the time, so she must've been a demon."
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Sounds like he assaulted someone and that news is about to come out. He is preempting that.
It's probably your own demons Fucker. They've had enough of your bullshit.
Jesus Buttfucking Christ these people are nuts.
But, man, you're never going to get any truth from us. We'll tell you anything you want to hear; we lie like hell. We'll tell you that, uh, Kojak always gets the killer, or that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker's house, and no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don't worry, just look at your watch; at the end of the hour he's going to win. We'll tell you any shit you want to hear. We deal in illusions, man! None of it is true! But you people sit there, day after day, night after night, all ages, colors, creeds... We're all you know. You're beginning to believe the illusions we're spinning here. You're beginning to think that the tube is reality, and that your own lives are unreal. You do whatever the tube tells you! You dress like the tube, you eat like the tube, you raise your children like the tube, you even think like the tube! This is mass madness, you maniacs! In God's name, you people are the real thing! WE are the illusion! So turn off your television sets. Turn them off now. Turn them off right now. Turn them off and leave them off! Turn them off right in the middle of the sentence I'm speaking to you now! TURN THEM OFF... [collapses in a prophetic swoon as the audience erupts in thunderous applause]
Howard Beale, Network (1976)
You(are the)Tube
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I bet he tried to fuck one of those dogs and this is his excuse. "Oh no honey I didn't try to fuck the dog again...it was...democr...no wait...demons...yeah it was a demon gang bang and I beat them off."
"I swear, babe! I didn't cheat! It was a demon!"
I can't believe this isn't an onion article.
The idea that a demon (or even better, Satan himself) would waste their time scratching random people or possessing them just to make them float over their bed or vomit pea soup has always been amusing to me. That's a super weak "ultimate evil" your religion has, Christians.
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Or maybe he forgot to take off his Freddy Kruger hallowe'en costume before jerking off to gay porn.
"You don't belong here Tucker, you have to come back home"
Oh is this it, are we inches from rock bottom? Losing it and or lying more desperately for attention?