Being on friendly terms with past partners is another one. Or for that matter cherishing the memories of the good times with those partners. A lot of people seem to think that after a breakup you should hate your ex forever and burn all pictures, throw away any object they ever gave you,... but that is actually quite unhealthy (unless abuse or stalking or similar things were involved of course). If a relationship does not work out that doesn't mean that other options, such as friendship, might not be on the table and even if they aren't that doesn't mean you can't treat each other like regular acquaintances when you randomly meet somewhere. Obviously they might not be an option immediately after a breakup but once time has dulled the pain a bit a friendship is absolutely possible with someone you initially shared enough interests with to try a relationship.
Asklemmy
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy π
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- [email protected]: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~
I feel that. It may be hard to believe but the breakup was amicable. Itβs just really hard to make a 7 time zone difference work, especially almost 20 years ago when video chat was not what it is today. The few times we had together I really do cherish, but it was not the right time or place. Weβre now only 1 time zone apart and havenβt seen each other since her wedding, but we do still keep up with each other periodically.
It is possible to be happy for an ex and really wish them the best.
It is possible to be happy for an ex and really wish them the best.
That is even possible if you have no desire to spend time with them yourself any more. Not everyone who is incompatible with you is a bad person who deserves a bad life, in fact most people are not.
I recall someone asking "Then why did you break up if you are good buds?".
Sometimes it's easier being friends rather.
Exes belong to life and memories as much as anyone in any other role. No need to forget them any more or less than anyone else (painful feelings and memories are another story).
Sometimes you can take a pause after a breakup to kill feels and later come back to friendly terms.
When they mention that someone else is attractive. This is often seen as a red flag by people with insecurities but really it means your partner trusts you enough to actually mention such attractions. The state some insecure people want is that their partner is never attracted to anyone else but that is completely unrealistic. So the actual choice is between honesty and lies. And you do not want your partner to have to constantly watch every word they utter around you to coddle your insecurities as that will likely lead to worse communication between you in general. This goes for other topics as well of course but jealousy inducing ones are very common.
My fiancee and I always point out good looking/hot people to each other. No trust issues, we're both with each other because we want to. Nothing forcing us to stay together.
My parents both do this, but they're bisexual swingers... So the moral of the story is that there can be many reasons for doing things
To be nice or friendly with kids.
As a man (I know starting a sentence that way can also be a red flag), I'm always nervous when kids interact with me.
It feels like I'm being judged harshly for just wanting to be friendly and that I could so quickly be accused of being a pervert or worse.
So I just don't interact with them.
My policy as a recently new father will also probably be that I won't have my daughter's friends over when I'm the only adult present.
Get this: my friend is "not allowed" to be left alone with his daughter. His own daughter. If wife needs to go out without baby, baby gets dropped off at grandparents (wife's parents) instead of just staying home with dad. What's even more ridiculous is his profession is early childhood educator. He's more qualified than most other parents out there, male or female. I don't know how he puts up with being insulted like that.
That's actually disgusting. Does he want it like this for some reason? Is there something in the past? Or is it just "penises will rape, that's what they do"?
I don't know how he puts up with it, but I do know why. He was alone since he was a teen, and now his wife and in-laws are his only family. His dream has always been having a family and community. He'll bend over backwards to please his in-laws. It's unfortunate they treat him like that, and while his wife is sweet, she's a pushover and doesn't stand up for him.
Why the in-laws are like that? I don't know.
Why the in-laws are like that? I don't know.
Projection. Definitely projection. Makes me trust them a lot less & I'm scared for that little girl.
I can only speak for myself, but one of my problems is that since a kid Iβve been going along with people to avoid conflict.
What this means is that when someone else views me as dangerous or untrustworthy, I automatically play along and treat myself as dangerous.
Itβs only been in the past few months that Iβve become aware of this and started shutting it down. Iβm in my 42nd year right now.
It feels so much better to treat myself as the person I know myself to be. But these masks we put on in early childhood are easy to mistake for our own faces.
Heβs probably been trained to expect heavy punishment for standing up for himself
That's beyond insulting, I'd call that a controlling / abusive relationship. And if his wife seriously thinks he's a risk to their child why the fuck would she have a baby with him and stay with him? That poor kid is going to grow up with a really damaging view of men, male / female relationships, and parental relationships.
Of course it makes little sense that he would go along with this. But why in god's name would she want to stay married to someone she doesn't trust with his own children?
I HAVE been accused of being a pervert, once, and it was fucking weird
Was at the store and some kid walked up to me thinking I was my dad (works at a local school and we look a lot alike, have the same name even)
Told the kid nah, that he had mistaken me for my dad, and then suddenly his mom appears and grabs the kid while telling me to "stay away from her kid you long haired freak"
Again, I look like my dad (he also has long hair) to the point of this kid mistaking me for him, yet I was still some random creep to this lady
People stop seeing normal human dudes in public once a kid is around and it can really suck sometimes
I had the cops called on me for taking my own kids to the park.
What kind of society or culture considered being friendly towards children a red flag? Spoken as both a father of two and former child: you can be friendly to children without being a creep.
Spoken as a non-father itβs not so easy.
I accept the risk because I refuse to participate in a system that cuts off kids from the adults around them, but I know that when I talk to a child Iβm almost certainly going to be seen as a pedophile for it.
I was going for just being nice and helpful.
Not talking all the time when spending time together. Being able to just quietly enjoy each other's company sometimes is actually a good thing since it allows both partners to relax without constantly worrying about keeping their partner's attention or keeping them entertained.
Currently sitting next to silent bf silently. We just grunt at each other for days in a row. Live with someone wanting constant interaction = hell.
My wife and I have a whole system:
- one grunt = I love you / thanks
- two grunts = I want attention and love
- one long grunt = I am in whine mode and want to talk about it
- two short grunts = I want to fuck you
- three short grunts = I'm hungry and want snacks
Tim? How's Mr. Wilson these days? lol
What happens if you don't hear the first of three short grunts? Does one of you wonder why the other one is naked when they really just want a burrito?
So the cherries and whipped cream are for five grunts. Interesting.
Taking some time to calm down during a fight if getting angry/sad/whatever.
The other party might think that you are running away.
Make sure they know that you continue once calmed down.
Itβs very important, if you need, to take a short rest to recover some HP at the least or a long rest if you need your party at full fighting potential.
Being underemployed. As long as they meet their obligations, I applaud people who don't live for work.
If a person can readily describe their failings it could seem like a red flag because they have failings, but everyone has failings and being aware of them is a positive.
Also, the only way one can improve themselves is if they acknowledge their failings first. It doesn't have to be public, but if it is, it means they have already made their first step.
Not having a Facebook profile. I've had someone initially refuse to associate with me on the basis that they couldn't investigate my life beforehand.
I just laughed and asked them how they managed to survive before the Internet (we were both old enough). We both got over the weirdness of the situation, built a robot, and were friends for a while before they moved away.
Making life choices different from the societal standard (e.g. not wanting children or not wanting a marriage). Sure, if your own desires are incompatible with that you might need to find someone else but a lot of people who do go with the societal standard actually just do so because they never thought about alternatives and have a rather romanticized notion of that default option and might still grow to regret it later which can then often lead to breakups/divorce if that only happens to one partner in the relationship. People who make different choices at least thought about what they want. Basically you want a partner who has already thought about these and not one who only discovers their actual preferences on these options a few years into your relationship.
So many ladies have asked me why I don't want kids that I needed to make a list π
Copy-pasting is easier and much faster π
Any size.
If you're colorblind.
For people who value reading: if they have no books on their shelves. They might be avid readers of ebooks, or just use the library.
But this should clear itself up with a rather simple discussion started by mentioning a book you read recently.
But not having books on your shelves is not a green flag, it just might not be a red flag.
The most prolific readers I know use the library almost exclusively. Real book a week people don't buy the books they read! They'd be broke!
That said, they still own a million books because even if they're only buying a fraction, they still fill up their bookcases
All these stupid "ignore them to seem attractive because interested = unsexy"
Not being a virgin anymore? Thats something good too.
Having actively broken up a past relationship, knowing barriers.
Hanging out with friends rather than you sometimes, which is really important "relationship time management"
Not being a virgin anymore? Thats something good too.
I find it absurd that virginity or lack thereof has any bearing.
Experience is often good to have.
100%, people who fetishize virginity are fucking weird and people who "preserve their virginity" usually have some weird culty background that they'll need to work through.
Sex is just sex.
Being a healthy weight - as misinterpreted by shallow young people that "want dat thigh gap".
Them being happy for how they are, like myself being happy while larger.