The Onion

(Key West, Florida) As the trump administration enters its fourth month of rule, some pundits question how much further “off the rails” the president can go. But those same pundits, as well as state residents, reacted with alarm as trump requested a ruling Saturday whether a sitting president could nuke a US state, namely Florida.

“We all know I told them,” rambled the president at a rally,” I told them. I told them. The nuclear…. You can’t just let that pass. You can’t… the nuclear is a serious option, a very serious option, and really this is all a formality. One button, boom. Boom. One button. Those alligators will feel it, I’ll tell you this folks.”

Trumps apparent desire to nuke his home state is drawing mixed reactions from republican leadership, many of whom see it as a strong message to america’s enemies. “It takes a strong man to fight, but only the strongest man can punch himself,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Kansas. “You think China won’t be scared of us, if we’re so ready to drop a bomb we’ll drop it on our wang?”

“He probably means how Florida looks phallic on a map,” said an analyst at the Institute for War Studies who asked to remain anonymous. “Oh, what precedent for dropping a nuke on our own country? I don’t know… maybe like a symbolic suicide? Look I’m an analyst for global studies, I can make as little out of this as I can a homeless man wandering down a median. I mean, at least the guy on the median I can give $5 and hope it might make things better.”

All eyes now turn to the Supreme Court, who will return from an all-expense-paid vacation in Tahiti next week.