this post was submitted on 09 Nov 2023
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Imagine meeting the phone of your dreams and caressing it lovingly and leaking bodily fluids..
That's how you get a bloated battery STD ...
Damn, that reminds me, I should replace my own battery soon. How do you replace human batteries though? 🤔
Idk, I've been running on emergency auxiliary power, even diverting power from life support, for years now. Lights are getting dimmer now.
Obviously I lack a built-in charging capability, so taking the batteries out just means shutting down before replacing them with new ones.
But others are suggesting cocaine. It supposedly boosts you lithium ions (I assume), and also postpones the memory effect of, em, li-ion batteries.
If you're running on auxiliary power, you should eat the phone by now and conserve your calories. Make sure to boil your urine though. Stay safe, if you need assistance you can always call [redacted].
/s
This voids the warranty, unfortunately