Neurodivergence

I was (tacitly- the doctor said he “could not diagnose an adult” but my neuropsych test showed the signs) diagnosed with adhd in 2021.

This happened shortly after I escaped from a fairly emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship with someone who claimed “their adhd” was making them treat me that way. Another person, a roomate, bullied me heavily until I had to move and also attributed this behavior to “adhd”. Both of these people implied that I was intolerant for telling them their behavior hurt me, and each of them generally made my life a confusing hell for the period of time that I knew them.

I don’t think these people were lying about being neurodivergent, but I don’t think neurodivergence was the real reason for their behavior, even if it contributed to certain misunderstandings.

But I am still feeling some really weird feelings about now knowing that I have adhd myself!! It makes sense, of course it does. But I’m having a hard time celebrating this part of myself now. I always knew and loved that side of my personality until I learned it was adhd. My brain feels absolutely shredded and confused and I can’t easily think about it without feeling upset. I have fears my own diagnosis means I will be more prone to hurt people. Intellectually, i know better, but internally I can’t seem to and I find myself avoiding and hiding and not thinking about my adhd, and just feeling a lot of shame.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you cope with it? I know these people could have just as easily said “depression” or “brown hair” or “chemtrails” were their reason for mistreating me, but I still can’t manage to sort it out on the visceral /emotional level. I really like the adhd parts of myself, but I also feel kind of afraid of them and afraid to be seen as an abuser if I talk about them, since so many abusers seem to use that tactic.