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How should I change my polite behavior to be more accommodating? (sh.itjust.works)

submitted 6 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

101 comments fedilink hide all child comments

My parents raised me to always say "yes sir" and "no ma'am", and I automatically say it to service workers and just about anyone with whom I'm not close that I interact with. I noticed recently that I had misgendered a cashier when saying something like "no thank you, ma'am" based on their appearing AFAB, but on a future visit to the store they had added their pronouns (they) to their name tag. I would feel bad if their interaction with me was something they will remember when feeling down. This particular person has a fairly androgynous haircut/look and wears a store uniform, so there's no gender clue there.

I am thinking I need to just stop saying "sir" and "ma'am" altogether, but I like the politeness and I don't know how I would replace it in a gender-neutral way. Is there anything better than just dropping it entirely?

For background I'm a millennial and more than happy to use people's correct pronouns if I know them!

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 months ago (2 children)

I recently said “thanks mate” to a blatant MtF person that works for the same organisation as I do. I probably very visibly shit a brick and thought “not your best choice of words”. If it’s obvious, I will use gendered words, if someone has pronouns or something to make it obvious how they want to be referred to, I’ll use them. If it’s not obvious, and they have nothing to indicate how they want to be referred to, I’ll just be polite.

Mistakes happen, be polite and apologise and I reckon you’ll be fine.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I always look "mate" to be totally gender neutral.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 6 months ago

This makes me feel better. It’s just I seem to see it be said to men more. Apparently if she feels the need to call you out on how you are towards her, she does, and she didn’t, so…

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

Are you in the UK? I'm an Aussie and I've always considered "mate" to be gender neutral. I've seen all combinations of men and women saying it to each other.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 6 months ago

Yes, I wouldn’t say women don’t say it here, but I think it’s majority male, and this woman is blatantly MtF.