needthosepylons

I like this conversation very much too. And I like the way you describe your will to volunteer and your conception of the steps ahead.

As for religions, I'm not certain. I can really like and admire people who live and love deeply something in the religious faith. Alone or with others. But communities.. I'm not saying social control is bad in itself but this type of social control is rather frightening to me.

And changing... What a topic! Did you ever try to measure the time it takes you to change on a specific aspect? It's a very strange yet reassuring experience. I used to do this a lot, a bit less nowadays, but for example, I'd write :

"learn to handle praise to be as kind as possible with others, understanding it as" somehow I kinda like something in you" and accept the kindness but be unsettled by the praise itself, or, better, make yourself truly incapable of understanding it as a praise"

in a notebook, because it was a very often present in my thoughts and then, after writing, forget about it. Let things unfold organically without giving it much thoughts. An indeterminate time later, I'd be praised for school performance, for example, and.. somehow, in a way I couldn't fully understand, I both felt I understood the praise and I didn't really know what to make of it, all the sudden.

Then, a few weeks later, after processing the event, grab my notebook and write : "8 months".

It's quite interesting, and gives a little sense of : "Hmmm.. this may take quite a time, but let's see when/how/by which ways I'll try to get there.. or at least somewhere close!"

Thank you for your message!

I'll try to answer as best as I can. My close friends and family sometimes mock me gently for my attitude, but overall, I think they're happy with it. Even if they're trying to help me learn about how to take breaks. I'm listening, but the translation process is quite long.

Being vulnerable with them is hard. But I'm trying my best. I think I've been doing it increasingly the last year but that's never easy. It happens, now, though!

I really don't think I hold them to these standards. And that's 'it because they wouldn't be worthy of these standard, making me a superior being. It's just that.. they have their own sets of standards. Mine are about, err.. morals. Theirs can be about creativity, balance or anything else and it would be equally beautiful. Well, if they were terrible human beings, I don't think we would be friends at all.

As for your last question, yes, I do.. I think. I hold them to what I liked in them. Even if I admit people may change, even radically. I.. yeah, there's something in them that I loved. And that thing may very well change in it's expression, but if at some point I feel it's totally gone, I may have a hard time remaining friends with them. But I suppose most people react like that?

Regarding your thoughts, well.. That's a tough one.

But a really interesting one as well.

I'm not really sure.. I suppose that may be my way to avoid being scared of death while I live ? Imagining the scene and just being like "Well, it's okay if it ends now, I explored the way I've chosen in life as much as I could". There may be something like that. I imagine it's more.. serene?

I'm not sure - but maybe I don't see - what parts of life I would miss right now. Because I don't think I'm.. hmm.. forbidding myself any specific path I would like to tread with these standards. Drugs? Certain types of illegal acts? Starting over in another country? Why not. Things I don't want to do, though, like trying to dominate people, I could say I'm preventing myself from that, but really, that's.. contradicting all I want so strongly I'm not even sure who "I" is in this case.

Il not 100% sure about my answer, but your question about death was a very interesting one. And I really appreciate the way you framed it. Thank you!

First, kind stranger, thank you very much for you answer. It's quite funny that I used to be quite patronizing too until I went through a major depression and became a slightly different person.

And yes I think I see what you mean. My therapist recently told me something quite close, but I'm not sure I'll find the words to translate it to English. But yes, clearly, I'm trapped in a "overdoing-collapse" cycle I still need to learn to manage in a better way. Although.. maybe I'm making progress in this regard, I tend to collapse less and less heavily, and I sometimes take breaks.

The thought you brought up us very interesting, and my own answer us quite simple. To contextualize, I've been active in a few community organizations in the past, then it all stopped when I moved to another city. Now, I just happen to like people I sometimes meet and try to behave as I described. But it's quite close to a normal life too. Closer than before at least.

And so, I met a thought similar to yours a few days ago, an answer came from my heart : "I don't know. But what I know is that wishing I was something/someone else that the thing/person I am, trying to force myself to do something I currently can't do is preparing myself for a life of guilt and misery, and likely make my loved ones pay for this guilt and misery. And that can't be good".

How does this sound to you? I'm not sure about it, but I've sticked with this answer ever since.

Interesting questions, thanks! I'm not sure I feel much when I'm doing well in that project. Not joy or pride for sure. Rather "we'll, that could have been worse!".

Bit what I'm almost sure about us the answer to your second question. My goal is unreachable, but pursuing it does bring the most important value : living the way I want to leave. It's all about preparing for the end. When I'll die, I just want to be able to say : everything I could do given the circumstances, my own strengths and weaknesses, what I was able to do at a given time, I tried to do it. So I regret nothing. In a way, I'll die, sure and I don't believe in any kind of afterlife, but somehow I'll have lived to the fullest.

Ocd is a nice lead indeed ^^

Ah, yes you're right. And I think I feel the same. I can strive for perfection and know the best I can do is the best solution within my reach. Then, well, that's the way to go.

My own philosophy/creed is based on Spinoza. I've seen a few parallels drawn between him and stoicism. I'll definitely read about those. Thank you very much!

You're right. And I make exceptions for these, I think I wrote it in my first post. When someone is mistreated, there's no morality, for me, except an intervention, an angry one if need be.

But.. There wouldn't be any contradiction between trying your best to do the right thing and rewarding sex/finding a projets you're passionate about. Or is there?

Well.. If I had a bad day.. that's it. From quitting smoking, I understood this : There's no virtue in guilt. Guilt will always make thing worse. The best and only thing to do is to fix what makes you guilty and if you can't, get a good night of sleep.

When I wrote trying to act like a saint, it was a bit ironical, like I was trolling myself. But in practice, well, it looks quite similar.

But I'm trying to keep a calm mind. I learnt froo' Spinoza a very emancipating way of thinking : ".... as much as it is currently on oneself to".

I've felt jealousy two times I think. Well. It means in the context I was in, given all the determinations of the situation, I could not feel anything beside jealousy. Then I'll try to change the situation, playing on whatever parameters I can, to diminish the jealousy in favor of something else I feel more aligned to. It will or won't work. If it doesn't, well, no need to panick or feel guilty, I'll have to try another way.

To answer your questions, the fear of judgment would certainly qualify. Fear of badness not so much. It's always "as much as I can". But some days, I can very little. I'll try my best to do this very little.

And I don't judge other people (as long as they're not bosses, politicians, capitalists, etc). Even if they don't care about morals as I do, they can still be decent individuals and strive with all their being got something else. Beauty, woodworking, fixing society, music, getting enough money to pay their mother a nice retirement house, becoming skilled martial artists, hiking in the country, finding nice mushrooms. I respect all those and recognize my brothers and sisters in them. My own morally-centered way is just.. a way along others, it's not better but it's the one I'm drawn to.

Do you see what I mean?

Your last point is.. where it all kinds falls off. I'm trying to learn about it. Be careful about myself. 8ve understood that's what I have to learn, but it will take time. I understood it's important, thanks to my therapist, thought. Thanks so much for your message!

Hmmm.. If I drop a plate and it smashes, I won't feel much. Maybe a bit pissed for 5 secs if I'm in a hurry. I'll just take another. If a friends does it, I won't react in any specific way. In both cases, there's no.. moral question involved for me, I think. Do you think there could be?

I'm striving to be as just and kind as it is possible in a given situation. And sincerely, I truly think I'm doing this for myself. Well, it's complicated since I'm also the kind of person who tries to please everyone he loves. But.. I feel my reward is not any praises, praises are bland, they don't understand what is at play. Not points but searching for the best behavior, nourishing the best ideas, giving minimal place to the others.

I sincerely think I'm not considering myself better or worse than anyone. My way is a moral one. A certain of moral, as well. So that's what I strive for. I totally admit other people could strive for something else entirely and I wish them luck in this, except if it's toxic and power hungry.

So since I very rarely compare myself to others, the question of my value compared to theirs makes no sense for me. The question of my own value to my own eyes either. I am. I don't have to prove anything to anyone, even to myself. Being us enough.

But I find your answer very delicate, wise and kind so thank you very much for writing this, truly!