TheBluePillock

This is really sad. While it's valid and understandable to not always be able to hold space for that kind of a conversation or story, at a minimum there are far kinder ways to communicate that than for your partner to just say you're trauma dumping and leave you feeling like this is stuff you should never talk about. A good partner cares enough to listen to those things, and when they ask you not to share, it's more of a, "not right now, let's talk about this later."

I'm not trying to draw any conclusions because there's no way I'd have enough information anyway, but survivors of abusive upbringings are more likely to end up in abusive relationships because so much of that has been normalized (among other reasons). If your partner really accuses you of trauma dumping, that's a bit of a red flag to me and it might not be a terrible idea to talk to friends, family, or a therapist as a sanity check to see if it's nothing or if it's a pattern of how you are treated. If you don't want to do that, journaling can also help a lot with organizing your thoughts and feelings, plus it gives you a record of things in case you forget, downplay them, or are told otherwise and start to doubt yourself.

I really just hope everything is okay though. Stay safe out there, stranger.

I try to minimize what I buy off Amazon, but I allow myself one bag of Frugra per month because I can't get it any other way.

This is the quintessential McDonald's experience. Every time I give in to that random pang of nostalgia, I know I'm in for some kind of disappointment. It might be a broken ice cream machine, an item that's just out that day or been removed from the menu permanently, or something as mundane as having my order screwed up. In that, ironically, it rarely disappoints.

That'll be $28.73 at the second window.

I don't have a source handy, but from what I remember: yes, a feral child can learn language later, but never to the same level of fluency. It's more like learning a second language. Also there is extremely limited data because it mostly comes from horrifically abusive situations.

If I remember right, the most interesting data came from a study that gathered deaf children from areas where they had no sign language. The young children rapidly developed sign language, but the older children (teens) had a hard time keeping up and did not reach the same fluency.

The term narcissist is somewhat overused, though there are also a lot of them these days. To echo a bit of what others said, thinking average high schoolers are dumb is not a sign of narcissism. Average high schoolers are notoriously foolish. Even if you feel like it's more than that and it's a serious problem, that alone does not make a narcissist.

Actual narcissists are unstable. They need the adoration of others to feel good about themselves. They're prone to fits of rage when anything damages their ego, and they can take just about anything as criticism then decide to fly off the handle.

If that is you, get help from a professional who specializes in it. If anyone reading this knows a person like that, read up and find a way to save yourself.

Well, I hope this wall of text helps at least one person. For you or anyone else who needs this and happens to find it: yes. There are many treatments beyond traditional antidepressants that are only a last resort because insurance is a pain in the dick. All of them are different methods of increasing neuroplasticity, making it easier to form new neural pathways instead of staying stuck in the same "comfortable" depression. It's like depressive thoughts are a paved sidewalk and happy, healthy thoughts are overgrown, covered with branches and weeds. With enough persistent effort you might be able to clear out that other path, but it's a hell of a lot easier if someone clears out all the weeds first and gives you a machete. That's neuroplasticity with appropriate therapy.

The main treatments available are ketamine (IV), Spravato (ketamine nasal spray), ketamine troches, TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), and psilocybin (still illegal in most places). I can give details on each, but specifics will likely vary a bit by treatment center.

• IV ketamine therapy

is guided therapy while under the influence of IV ketamine. It's the most helpful form of ketamine. Both the dosing and therapy are more targeted. The therapy part may be covered by insurance, but the ketamine rarely is and that runs roughly $400 a dose. Sessions are once a month.

• Spravato

is well covered by insurance because they were able to patent it. That also means it's slightly different: it's only the S-ketamine enantiomer as opposed to racemic ketamine, which is a racemic mixture of both S- and R-ketamine enantiomers. Studies funded by the drug company say that's better. Other studies are less clear. But really, there's just far less data in general because it's new. Treatment centers may vary, but mine just put me in a room with no guidance or therapy and had me do drugs.

I knew how to make the most of it anyway, but I felt really bad for the people who expect it to work like other medications they can just take and they feel better. You need to actually form the new pathways during the state of increased neuroplasticity. If you go this route, make sure you have a therapist appointment the day after treatment, preferably with a therapist who is familiar with it. Treatments are twice a week for the first month and once a week after. Each one lasts about two hours and must be done at the clinic.

• Oral ketamine troches

are not usually covered by insurance, but they are relatively affordable at $50-75 a month. You may have to shop around to find a compounding pharmacy that can ship to your state (if US) at that price. Ketamine is poorly absorbed when taken sublingually so the dosage is much higher and the side effects may be worse. However, in my case I had fewer side effects once I found a good routine. Even though the troches are affordable, you still need to check in with the doctor every month. If insurance won't cover that it will probably be almost as much as IV therapy. Some therapists are willing to do telehealth therapy with you during treatment so you can have guided therapy.

In the interest of being as informative as possible for anyone that finds this: studies show similar rates of absorption between oral troches and suppositories, but anecdotally some patients report a greater effect from melting their oral troches and boofing them. You can find instructions for doing this with opiates and the process is similar. The troche just needs a bit of heat to melt it. A hair dryer or holding the (capped) syringe under hot water will work. Anecdotally, this does seem more effective and was a lot easier than trying to hold the troche under my tongue.

• TMS

is well studied, non-invasive, has a high rate of success, and is usually covered by insurance. Treatments are only a few minutes, but you need to go in four times a week. It's like Spravato in that you will get the most benefit if you're actively working with a therapist to take advantage of the increased neuroplasticity.

• Psilocybin

is probably illegal where you live. Studies are extremely limited because drug laws make it difficult, but the data we do have is extremely promising - moreso than ketamine. The only reason we do ketamine instead is it's already used as an anesthetic, so using it for depression is just off-label, which doctors do all the time. There is a push to legalize psilocybin for treating depression, but it'll still be a while. Until then, you have to either obtain it illegally or grow your own mushrooms (illegally).

When using mushrooms, state of mind and a comfortable setting are most important. If possible, be with someone who knows you and can keep you calm if you get anxious. Some people - especially those with severe mental illness and/or a genetic predisposition to one, such as schizophrenia - may have a bad reaction, sorta like how any medication has rare side effects and some people just get the fun of being especially unique. But for most people, the experience can be profound and life changing. Some may snap out of depression after a single dose, others may need regular treatments every couple months. Unfortunately, drug laws limit both the data and the accessibility of this treatment. However, it has the potential to be the most effective and the most affordable.

There is hope. Your depression can be cured. You can feel alive and content and so many other emotions again.

If there are questions, feel free to ask, but I don't know if I get notifications so I may not see it. I have not personally done IV ketamine or TMS, but I have read up on them and gone over the details with a doctor when discussing treatment options.

Steins;Gate. It starts slow, but once it picks up it's amazing and puts all that slow build up to good use. Not sure if it technically counts though. Visual novels are a weird middle ground that aren't really book or game, but there are some really good ones. Definitely the way to go if you're in more of a reading mood but want some art and music to go with it.

Seconding Etymotic. And if you wanted to upgrade later, you can get custom ear molds from an audiologist and use those instead of the included foam or rubber tips. It's among the best sound isolation you can get. I've also always had excellent experiences with their customer service.

There's a lot we do to give us a feeling that our future is safe, but it never is.

Learning to accept this seems like a normal part of growing older, but man is it rough - especially when the wounds are fresh. Therapy helps. Experience also helps: you survived it once so you can do it again. We can't make ourselves 100% safe and it's genuinely terrifying when you really feel it.

But believe in yourself. When you're ready, you will find ways to feel content and fulfilled. Maybe you work through your trust issues and meet someone new, maybe you don't need to because you have other things in your life that make you happy.

I've done both at different times after having the rug pulled out from under me at least twice now. The third time was almost a blessing because I've been down this road so much. It was like a chance to start a new chapter and find more parts of life I haven't yet lived: new hobbies, new friends, and so many things to learn.

So this isn't some generic platitude. It comes from sitting in the same place you are now. The only real security is your own ability to get back up and start again. You don't have to want to. Just know that you can and will when you're ready.

My pixel (5a) only does adaptive charging if your alarm is set for the A.M. If you're second or third shift, it doesn't even try. There's no way to turn it on even in developer options. It was a pretty big wtf when I figured that one out.

I would love to be corrected, but when I looked into it, it sounded like you'd probably want 32gb VRAM or better for actual chat ability. You have to have enough memory to load the model, and anything not handled by your GPU takes a major performance hit. Then, you probably want to aim for a 72 billion parameter model. That's a decently conversational level and maybe close to the one you're using (but it's possible they're higher? I'm just guessing). I think 34B models are comparatively more prone to hallucination and inaccuracy. It sounded like the 32GB VRAM was kinda entry point for the 72B models so I stopped looking, because I can't afford that.

So somebody with more experience or knowledge can hopefully correct me or give a better explanation, but just in case, maybe this is a helpful starting point for someone.

You can download models on huggingface.co and interact with them through a web-ui like this one.