Mildly Infuriating

Not just download the app, but sign up for an account (and the newsletter in the process).

Then grant permissions to your phone:

• camera (so it can watch you poop and train + analyze the footage with AI)
• microphone (so it can hear and analyze if your plops are optimal)
• contacts (to send out an invitation to all your contacts, along with a clip of your last poop sesh)
• photos and videos (to upload, store, and analyze your life since birth, along with everyone else who's in your pictures)
• sensors (to see how you're holding the phone, when, how much, how hard, etc.)
• notifications (to sell you the premium plan)
• location (for pinpoint accuracy of your 💩 locations)
• call logs (to see who you're communicating with before, during, and after you drop your log)
• nearby devices (for accuracy and to silently communicate with nearby devices)
• calendar (for full history and to schedule your next mondo duke)

What happens when the company goes out of business? You no longer can flush?

I laughed a lot when I saw this and I sent it to my parent who laughed too. This is my parents house right now. They want buttons for their lamps but they were forced to get an app for most of them and had to fight the company to put in buttons. They also got a ventilation system without buttons and they could not get buttons except if they payed for a very expensive hub, so they went for the app. But only one person can be connected at a time and you have to unpair before someone else can pair, so the app act as if it is the hub.. it is very strange

Funnily enough, my toilet has it's own app.("Japanese style" shower toilet by a German company)

It's non-cloud, Bluetooth only, all functions work without it,but it tells you when preventative maintenance is due and enables you to configure the user profiles easier.

So there's that.

Wouldn't have bought it otherwise.

yeah I have the toilet from this photograph, it's really frustrating. good post OP, it's definitely relevant to the community

Funny how this is supposed to be absurd - upside down duck, cake, “bizarro” and all - but it’s actually pretty accurate. So many products out there that require you to download their shitty spyware in order to do the things they are supposed to do.

Just 9.99 per month

The Japanese have already perfected smart toilets. There is no app, but there are loads of buttons, including for a heated seat and some music or ambient sounds to help you relax and disguise unpleasant noises.

But don't you see the benefit - the data on your flushes helps our Trusted~†~ FlushMe Partners ® provide more relevant service to you, and also helps us partially offset the cost of our running our flush servers, allowing us to provide service to you for only $29.99 monthly~††~!

†: All FlushMe partners have undergone creditworthiness checks. ††: Limited time one month introductory offer. FlushMe may, but is not required to, provide you with a personalised monthly price for renewal of the service.

"FlushMe: Have You Shat Today!?"

too many household appliances need an app

Android has this feature of "Work Profile" that allows you to put these shitty apps in a separate profile so they can't accept any of your data. I mean it'd be better if we don't have distopian apps to begin with, but here we are...

(I used an app called "Shelter" that sets up a "work profile" and put apps in there and the apps can't access my photos contacts, or anything basically)

Free trial exhausted. Subscribe now to keep using server infrastructure. After all, all you bought was the toilet, you can't expect the server space for free.

Enshitification intensifies.

Triple Flush Achievement Unlocked! Share with your friends?

NOOO!!! This is the Torment Nexus of toilets... now some company is going to do this...

It tracks the quality of your shits, draws a graph of the daily amount that you can share on social media and recommends a list of sponsored foods depending on your needs.