Autism

You sound a lot like me. I figured it out for myself, maybe this insight will help you, maybe it won’t apply, but I’ll share.

I’m an introvert to start and on the spectrum. The world seems built for extroverts, and for a long time I thought the thing I was “supposed” to do was a bunch of extrovert activities that required me to mask my autism and drained me of all my energy. I felt a very similar feeling of being with people but feeling alone, I was in my head carefully running the scripts and behaviors I have learned. Not consciously (well, sometimes consciously) but it was just this extra burden I was carrying around that no one else was. It wasn’t a fun day at the beach without a care in the world, it was an assault on my senses, everything is too bright and too loud and sand is everywhere and “oh, what did that person just say, ugh, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in this situation. I don’t want to play volleyball but are you supposed to anyways because that’s what people do at the beach?”

Over time I found people whose interests more closely aligned with mine. People I could trust to share my true self with, and not the mask of social scripts that I had learned was what I was “supposed” to do. And I realized I was not alone, but that a lot of the activities that people commonly associated with social togetherness were just not for me.

University can be a difficult time, most of the fun to be had is in those activities that I wasn’t very compatible with. I used to think that maybe I was broken too, but now I think that I am just different, and there’s nothing wrong with different. I have friends and a wife and people that I care about and who care about me, the real me, and I don’t feel so alone anymore.

I wish the same for you, if you like exploring the city with headphones, find someone that wants to do that too. If you like watching a dog play with a ball, there are people that will want to do that with you too. I found the more I opened up to people about who I really am and stopped caring about who I was “supposed” to be, the happier I became, the less lonely I felt.

I am sorry things are difficult for you now, in my experience it does get better. Early 20s are the time when people want to party and go to concerts and be quite loud. In a decade those same people will enjoy a quiet evening at home just as much as you do now.

You my Internet friend are not broken, you are just different, and different is beautiful.

I relate to this viscerally. Throughout my life, the easiest way for me to genuinely connect with others has been through a setting where we don’t have in-person body language.

In real life I’ve usually been quite bubbly, but that’s because I’m usually quite happy and enjoy spreading positive energy. It’s much better to uplift others than to break them down.

My friend groups have ebbed and flown over the years, but ultimately something drives us apart. Most of the time I’m clueless as to why. I think it’s because people don’t want to hurt my feelings because I’m polite and they have a history with me, but don’t want to continue a friendship.

I prefer to slide in social situations where we are in a small group or one-on-one. It usually feels more substantive and brings people who don’t mind info-dumping, obsessions, and more often than not, they enjoy the impact of my neurotype on my personality. It’s not like people can’t enjoy my personality… Just a specific subset. However, I’ve never felt like I’ve truly belonged in any group either. Nerdy, but not in the archetype to where I fit in with a traditional nerd. Enjoy outdoor things, but not to the point where it defines my life, as I enjoy electronics, linguistics, and musicianship. Broad range of interests that are too esoteric can put people off from a lack of relatability.

Being German American with my heritage mostly detached, I’d say this is the case in both Germany and the US. I grew up teaching myself the language, and have held a semblance of being “German” as an ethnicity, but am very clearly culturally distinct from real German people. It’s weird to observe that both cultures forego their norms and cave into their humanity when it comes to socializing. All folks follow different strokes.

It just seems like whenever you want to put yourself out there, there’s some intangible barrier that blocks a true friendship from forming. Is it ineptness? Am I perceived as selfish by talking too much about an interest? What about the questions I ask? My responses… As I’ve gotten older I’ve cared far less about the opinions of others. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t yearn for some form of involvement. Hope you feel okay. This community has made me feel far less alien than I ever have.

I am middle aged but I know what you mean. As I got older I realized that I was creating the suffering.

Not fitting in can become a story that plays in your head. If you pay attention most the people around you don't notice this or don't care. For all you know they may feel they don't fit in themselves either.

Even if it was true, would it really matter? I found that I was striving to meet societal expectations that weren't things I even valued. Could it be that you feel left out because you feel pressured to meet these expectations but are just going through the motions?

Besides those typical reasons being an ausländer is going to be difficult regardless. Especially if you have autism. Maybe there just aren't many people around that have your lived experience. That's ok it's a good time to meet different types of people. When you get back home you have the rest of your life to meet people you have more in common with.

I find it uncomfortable not to understand. It has taken me decades to make peace with the notion that being different is not only acceptable, but good. Many people don't get me, but the ones who do become friends for life. Many people find things interesting or enjoyable that would make me cry from boredom.

I've chosen to find it charming.

You might be able to do that, too. If not now, then one day. It took me a long time.

Peace.

I don't really have an answer, man, but I swear I could have written your post myself, to the letter. At 30+yo I have had some time to reflect on this, but mostly I have accepted that I would likely always feel somewhat "emotionally external" to most social contexts, bar a few exceptional situations (very close friends with whom I can just allow myself to stop the constant questioning). I can't relate very well to "most people" (whatever that means -neurotypicals? anyway) on a number of aspects, so my conclusion so far is that this has caused the feeling of loneliness in question. All the best,

Not sure if its similar but I was never able to be into anything and always sorta felt like a hanger on and on the periphery because I just can't get really into the particular group. Now I still consider many people my friends its just that I kinda barely meet the requirements to be one of them. Even in work I resist heavily being a specialist an when I look for work (like right now actually) and they ask what am looking for I say what im really looking for is an employer who is looking the critical thinking skills that are at my core and ability to learn as necessary. Then I follow it up that what matters is how the company values things and as far as skills X is my most recent thing but I have done alot of Y and way back I used to do Z. I guess what im saying is I sorta don't want to be to in depth with anything but rather do different things and thats fine. I will see some folks regularly. Not as much as they might see others but decently enough. I do feel like the world wants me to choose a lane though.

I'm 47 in the US, and I have felt this way most of my adult life. In my teens and 20s, I always felt like an afterthought. I'd ask to be included to group events, and I rarely remember ever being invited. I'd try to chime in when people were talking, but what I'd say never quite seemed to land right. The microexpressions on people's faces indicated to me that I wasn't a social equal but that I was simply being tolerated.

It didn't even occur to me that I was autistic until I was 39, and it took until I was 46 for me to get myself diagnosed with ASD1. But I'll tell you...something happened in my 30s. I don't know what it was exactly that changed things for me in this regard, probably a multitude of things, but I am no longer the person I was in my 20s.

Maybe it was the fact that I got two degrees. Or that I was married for 17 years (now divorced, but it was my decision) and have two great kids. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I developed a career as a teacher and have felt pride in the accomplishments I've made in my vocation. Or maybe it was just the passage of time that allowed me to develop coping mechanisms that work for me...time that tempered my worries about myself and my place in this world among others.

Whatever transpired, I'm no longer the sort of person who cares what people think of me. Of course, I always aim to be the best version of myself, someone people will admire and recognize as a safe, consensual, trauma-informed person, so I do want people to consider me a good and decent person.

But I can never control their perception of me as an autistic person. I'm different. Everyone knows it when they get to know me. When I discovered at age 39 that I was likely autistic, I told my colleagues, and they were shocked that I didn't already know that about myself because they all clocked me as autistic pretty much immediately after meeting me three years prior.

So, instead of trying to hide it better in order to fit in. I wear my autism right on my sleeve. I tell people "When I'm in a group and say something awkward, and I can see the awkwardness on their faces 🤨, I just respond with '🫤😯...I...I'M AUTISTIC. 😬🙃' And then everyone goes 'OH! Okay, that's what it is, gotcha...I knew it was something like that! 😁".

By telling people this, it let's them know my sense of humor about my condition and sets them (and me) up for awkwardness in the future. Because it's going to happen. Not all my jokes will land. Sometimes I'm gonna chime into a conversation and my comment will completely flop. But my out can always be "'🫤😯...I...I'M AUTISTIC. 😬🙃". They'll remember that my awkward comment isn't my fault, that it's this wacky thing about my brain and the way it works, and they won't just sit their with a weird look on their face trying to figure out how to move past what I've just said. They'll laugh, because I can laugh at myself! And I don't feel so alone any more. I get invited to parties, and I'm included in the conversation.

Beyond having a sense of humor about yourself, the best advice I can give is to learn how to really listen, ask questions, and care about the responses and the people who give them. Low self-worth has been a constant companion in my life. I rarely felt valued, so I tried to create value among others by providing them with entertainment...being the funny one, or having off-the-wall talents (developed through periods of hyperfixation). I know now that my worth as a person can only be evaluated by me, and I know that I am as valuable as a human being as anyone else is, regardless of what I provide others.

That being said, what brings me great joy is being considered a friend and confidant, someone people value as a companion. And I foster that by caring about them, their experiences, and their feelings. I listen to them...really listen...not just waiting to say what I want to say in response, but thinking of questions I can ask, considering how their experiences make them feel, and proferring up advice when it is requested.

Anyway, that's a lot. Off to work. Good luck to you!