this post was submitted on 23 Aug 2024
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[–] [email protected] 117 points 3 months ago (4 children)

Really loving the "Just enough to be deniable" couch attacks on Vance.

[–] [email protected] 77 points 3 months ago (1 children)

As Stephen Colbert gleefully said of the couch story last week, "It's not true, and nobody cares."

[–] [email protected] 24 points 3 months ago (1 children)

The best part is that it really is kind of thing he might be into. It means that any attempt to deny it either makes him look much worse, or much more guilty.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Do you think anyone out there is trying it, American Pie-like? With a greasy rubber glove stuck to their junk?

Because that would be pretty great, too.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Horny teenagers probably did it within minutes.

Hell.

Vance probably tried it after a day or two. Probably the first time he hasn’t had any complaints after.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago

"You know what? I can't believe some lib thought of this first, because this is great."

[–] [email protected] 24 points 3 months ago

I loved Seth Meyers' first joke about it when he came back off break (which is when Trump picked Vance):

"It's NOT TRUE that JD Vance had sex with a couch. It is JUST A RUMOR!"

...

...

"It was just hand stuff."

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

However a lot of people are saying. Strong people, tough people. And they are saying very strongly. Lots of people. I don't know, but a lot of people are saying it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago (1 children)

The best thing about it is that nobody actually believes it's a real story. But it's a great joke, because it just fits him so well. And the joke isn't just that he would romance a loveseat, but that he might write about it without an ounce of self-awareness. The dude is not just awkward as fuck, but in a sinister sort of way. You could easily believe that if you left him alone with your own sofa, he might do unspeakable things.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago

I dunno man, I believe it's true.

[–] [email protected] 48 points 3 months ago
[–] [email protected] 18 points 3 months ago
[–] [email protected] 17 points 3 months ago (4 children)

A couch is too risky. A love seat is right the fuck out. Maybe a recliner or kitchen chair is safe.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 months ago (4 children)

A fucking recliner? To reduce risk? You want to stick your dick into this thing? That's a hard pass from me, friend.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 months ago (3 children)

Yeah, but there's this thing...

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Oh, you mean the handle for the penis guillotine? Or are you thinking someone is going to... back onto it? 😳 I guess that could work.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

Is he into extreme sounding?

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago

No, not a fucking recliner, a fucking recliner.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I think they’re saying recliners were safe from Vance.

I think they’re underestimating his stupid

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

That makes way more sense. I should not comment in the middle of the night when I'm half awake.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

oh sweety. thats not where you stick it at all.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

Not where you stick it.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 months ago (1 children)

YOU LEAVE MY RECLINER ALONE!!!

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Well, alright. Just checkin'

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

and I'm checkin out the rest of your living room set.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago

La-z-boy recliners are ambush predators, I hope one manages to get him.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago (1 children)

He doesn't want love from his fuck toys. Just cushioning.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

More cushioning for the pushioning

[–] [email protected] 16 points 3 months ago (1 children)

There was at least one “JD Vance did not have sex with a couch” headline that had to be changed, because how could anyone possibly know whether or not someone has fucked a couch? Journalistic integrity dictates that you only make statements like that if they can be backed up by facts. I could be fucking my couch right now and no one would ever know.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago (1 children)

OF link? I'm asking for my friend, JD uh.... Pants?

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I was trying to make a funny.

You had said:

I could be fucking my couch right now and no one would ever know.

To which I asked for an OnlyFans link so my buddy JD Pants could watch. But apparently I laid it on a little thick and obscured the joke. Everything always makes more sense in our own minds.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

Ahahahaha now I feel dumb. I didn’t translate OF to OnlyFans, I just assumed it was some new-fangled internet slang used by the youngsters.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago

I snorted my beer at that line. It was extra hilarious coming from someone so typically buttoned up and above the fray like Senator Warren. Gods I do like that woman.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

elizabeth warren lampoons trump and vance

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

Wise. One would steal and sell it, the other would fuck it.