I apologize in advance if posts like this are not welcome here.
I have a friend circle of 6 guys including me. Before some of us got jobs, we used to play games everyday, hang out together if we are in town. Everyone was chill, enjoyed games more and mostly respected each other to some degree.
After getting jobs we still made time to play and hang out, but not as frequently. I only get time to play games with them on the weekends as my job is in a different time zone. But I still call or text them nearly everyday. Some of them play every single day (kind of addicted to GTA online and valorant for some reason).
But in the last couple of months I have noticed a shift in their behavior. Talking behind each others backs and always getting offended for the silliest of things. This is especially true for those who continued to mindlessly play every single day (they work on the same startup company as well).
I always knew that there was one guy among us who would unnecessarily run his mouth. But I always thought of it as his way of having fun. Mybe it was his way of feeling included. Idk. So I never took any of his ramblings to heart. But everything hits differently now, in a bad way. Every conversation feels like I'm walking on eggshells. Now the others are also starting to become like him.
It's not just me who thought this way. Another guy who have been besties for a long time with the blabbermouth guy personally called me and told that the whole group feels like it's infected by something and shared thoughts similar to mine.
I want to call it out, but i'm not sure how to do that in a thoughtful way. I just want them to reflect on themselves, not that I have any right to say that. I'm not afraid of offending them as it's almost impossible to say anything meaningful without doing so.
Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful day.
There isn't any easy way to approach this. I have a little* experience with this.
You're going to have to talk to the whole group. Whether it's one on one, the entire group, or a smaller group with the offending party (or parties) excluded. Then as a group you are going to have to deal with the individual(s) with the solution.
Solutions can be ejecting the problem person(s) from the group, breaking up of the group, you leaving the group and having to establish a new group of friends and keeping contact with a couple of these people (there are probably more solutions but these are some examples).
What you CAN'T do is sweep it under the rug as it will make the group more toxic and harder to repair any damage that has occurred leading to more lost friendships. The SOONER this is dealt with the better.
Hope you get everything sorted.
The problem person has become an integral part of the group. Ejecting him would be very difficult as 3 of the other guys have sort of become like him and will be in support of him.
To the problem person, its always "us" vs "them" or "us" vs "another person". I have tried talking to him in person, but he always seems to dismiss logical solutions to arguments. Changes topics quickly and He always has to find someone to take his side, so that he wins.
I know for a fact that he can be a decent guy when he is with a group of decent people. But it's always the negative traits of the group that he ultimately tries to embody (unknowingly). I don't want to paint him as a villain or anything, it's just something I've observed over the years. Then again I may be wrong.
Like you mentioned, I definitely won't sweep it under the carpet. It's never a solution.
Then my solution is to call him out for being shitty in front of as many people as you can. Point out WHY the behaviour is shitty. If they persist, and the others follow the leader like drones, then it might just be time to cut them out of your life.
You aren't required to keep friends. At all.
I had someone I called a friend SA me. I cut them out of my life, and told people we had in common what happened and that I would no longer be associating and not to be invited to events where they were. I ended up losing that group of friends over it as they choose the person that committed several acts of SA against me.
Yeah, I prefer a direct and honest approach. If it ends up that you lose friends over it, those friends may not be worth keeping.
You painting him as the villain only means adopting his toxic behavior.
He’s your friend. Be very wary of this thread’s overall advice, which mostly seems to be “determine whom to ostracize and then do it”.
Any solution of the form “identify the toxic people and get rid of them” is itself toxic. That’s not how community works.
Are you suggesting OP should be more tolerant of toxic behavior? Because a he'll get from that is more toxic behavior. Sometimes you have to make hard decisions to get positive results.
Addressing this issue with the offending parties absent is called “gossip” and it is, itself, a toxic social action.
Address it with the people — sorry with the friends — in question.
Yes and no. It’s necessary for interventions and sometimes to determine if someone is being dishonest. There’s a difference between checking a fact with someone else or raising your concerns to a third party about actually problematic behavior and enjoying the discussion and critique of someone else as a bonding activity with another person.
We would have waited a lot longer to get my grandmother tested for Alzheimer’s, if we hadn’t been able to compare our experiences of her, for example.