this post was submitted on 28 Nov 2023
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My mother is a steel woman, rational and calm, no bitching, no crying, there is a problem? fix it. You need something? say it, don't expect others to guess. Words are empty, you care? See what that person needs and help them. Not a fan of corny things, you want love? There is this delicious food, and a hug, now grow up and keep going.
Aaand everything she taught me, has put me at odds with every women I have dated.
I let you in on a secret: these type of people exist in every gender. So do people who are sensitive and emotional. Stereotypes and sexism about that is dumb. Believing anecdotal evidence speaks for a whole group of people is dumb as well.
What works if someone has a preference is to look early into how a person ticks. Instead of focusing on stereotypes and other superficial assumptions (for example).
I'm gonna let you in on another secret, a hard life makes people like my mother, a coddled person tends to be very emotional.
Since you are a rational person and not just emotionally reacting, I bet you have a credible source for these blanket statements. Can you name one, please? Because I can't find even one.
Are you getting triggered or something? Yes my mother is that way, but in contrast my father is pretty much a manchild, can't keep control of his emotions.
All the women I have dated doesn't include you, so stop proyecting yourself on that statement. Maybe I feel attracted to those kind of people in virtue of my own emotional simplicity, just like her. It's all anecdotal evidence, never claimed that's the way the world works nor I believe it is. If people read my statement and starts believing that is the way the world works, not my problem.
More anecdotal evidence: when you don't know what are you going to eat today you don't have time for bitching and moaning, not first world poverty, but abject third world poverty.
I am not sure if this was supposed to be a response to my comment or got their accidentally ?
I asked if you have a source for this claim, because I couldn't find any:
a coddled person tends to have very poor emotional regulation in the opposite way your mother is poor at regulating her emotions.
We are all maladjusted
They key is to do both. Listen intentently, respond with something like "wow that sucks, would you like a hug?" And then while hugging say something like "is there anything I can do to help you with this?"
That's what will give you your answer. If she says "no" then just let it be. If she says "I don't know" help to guide her to the solution. Ask "what do you think could be done to make it better?" And let the pieces fall in place.
Even if you know the answer, it's better to let people come up with it on their own. They'll feel understood and empowered, and you won't get shit on for being calous. Everyone wins
love languages. Even an action can be relatively empty, in the short term. For some people, physical action takes less effort than emotional, empathetic work due to the potential emotional discomfort involved and/or the vulnerability required. Different people need different things, this is often due to our experiences as children.
You're not the problem and neither are they.