this post was submitted on 03 Nov 2024
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Not OP case but 2 decades later with no change is demoralizing.
Oh so sorry. I didn't realise you were talking about the situation you are in. I thought the first comment was just a thought experiment. I didn't pay enough attention. My bad.
In your case I guess she can be in the asexual part of the spectrum. One of my friends is facing a similar situation. The partner has no sex drive at all. But the partner is a great person in every other area. That relationship sustained because my friend also has a lower sex drive, but more than what the partner has.
Since this has been so long, I assume you have already tried the couple therapy and individual therapy. If not that is one thing you can try out.
But keep in mind that if your partner is really asexual, there isn't much that you can do. It's not their fault in any way. So either you have to accept the situation and build a life around this fact, or you have to move on. Since you have been in the relationship for a long time, I guess everything else is going well. Means you have already chosen the first option.
Yeah basically what you wrote is accurate. No therapy though. She won't take it. I asked several times.
I think the crux of issue is a blame myself for all this. I get told no " it's not you, it's me" but I still feel like a failure of a partner.
I just want to say that it's not frivolous or silly to need sex with your partner, you are not wrong to be distressed. It's a natural and normal thing to need in a romantic relationship.