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dear introverts, what can I answer to a needy and clingy coworker who believes not talking means something's wrong (with me), so he leaves me alone? (programming.dev)

submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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I go to work to work because I need a paycheck, not to make friends.

Where I am there is a new coworker that to me acts needy (think of Slow Horses's Struan Loy), tries befriending me, but he invariably asks if everything's ok. I don't care about this person's life.

The first 2 times I didn't think anything of it, but he asks that every day and it's becoming tiring.

I feel mobbed and stalked, mobbed because he keeps insinuating there is something wrong with me just because I don't ask him about his private life and do my job, and stalked, because he is so fixated on me.

going to HR over this seems ridiculous, but I'm starting to hate his voice.

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[–] [email protected] 50 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

"I'm not interested. Please leave me alone."

[–] [email protected] 21 points 2 weeks ago

Seconding that.

Not cruel, but firm and transparent. Not too escalating, but not too subtle. Spot on.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

i have a lot of issues speaking my voice (that ive been really really trying to work on recently) but the thought of me trying to say this is right there next to causing a huge scene and yelling FUCK OFF

how do you guys do this shit XD

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Years and years of trying to be nice to people and them just using it against you, and treating you like shit is how you become comfortable being direct, and no nonsense.

Also remember not to worry too much about what that person is gonna do. In most cases even a manager cant even do all that much to you in retaliation, and if they do you have a case to take to HR. Don't just accept that you are a victim.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 weeks ago

It seems to me that by speaking up when you're still calm, you can avoid erupting at an inopportune moment and causing the huge scene that might worry you.

I used to feel terrified about how people judged me--for good reason, based on how people treated me when I was young. Eventually, I grew utterly exhausted from trying to please everyone, after which it became much easier to speak up for myself.

Now I find it easy to offer a cheery "No, thanks" while acting like it's perfectly normal and leaving the other person to be confused and to deal with it.

I wish you peace as you work towards finding your voice.