this post was submitted on 03 Sep 2024
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I'm gonna release a AAAAA game. It'll cost $95 and when you install it, it'll just be a romhack of Super Mario World changing all the enemy sprites into butts. There'll be a link to file complaints that just points to a terrible image made in ms paint that says "lol f u".
My stock prices gonna hit the moon.
And for $70 more you can play it 2 days early! For why? No fucking reason other than to flex! Gotta flex on those poors by getting it earlier than them amirite?? This ensures you will be invested in our product from the very start and you are the type of person who we can do no wrong.
And for $30 there's 2 extra skins that are just the worst looking piles of shit. But again if you don't have them how will you flex on the poors? This is lumped in with the earlier assurance that we can do no wrong in your eyes.
And the battle pass is $10 - every 30 days. It has nothing of value except at tier 150, which is a new flagrantly pay to win weapon. This ensures we own your time, every month.
But also we didn't finish the game, instead we released a roadmap. We will scrap this roadmap a week and a half after the disastrous launch because the game sucks so my donkey dick we cannot possibly add content to the absolute bugfest of a game. This is an abuse of loyalty to our brand, but you've stated you don't care as long as you get to play it.
Now that the game is out for a month, we've added a cash shop. This flies in the face of regulation on the box not indicating gambling elements, but fuck those stooges standing in the way of our profits! We can make a new box with the proper markings on them in a month. Surely you would like to buy a sword skin or character skin beyond looking like normal Mario right? Also there will be at least 1 skin that blends in with the background a little too well and attracts p2w allegations for the multiplayer mode. We don't care and neither do you because you will buy it. You wanna be a winner right?
We noticed you're already level 8, congratulations! We halved level reward drops, but increased rarity of those items by 30% but from here on we tripled enemy hp at every 10 levels to make sure the game is a slog, so you buy overpowered shit from the shop and battle pass.
You reached level 10 in only 5 hours? That's amazing! How about a XP Booster? Like the above we actually made progression become ungodly slow after level 10 unless you pay us $35 for an XP booster - in a single player game. We will make sure this pops up every time you level up to remind you we intentionally slowed progression so you make this purchase.
Also we can't help but notice you picked up a Fancy Locked Box. You can divert from the main quest to grind the crafting materials and it will take 6 hours to craft, OR you can buy a key for ONLY $5! This will pop up EVERY time you pick up a Locked Box with the option to go to the shop, and be SUPER disruptive, to get you to cave.
And lastly, a "donate" button on the main menu where you just give us money for nothing, because at this point why not right?
This comment is more effort than the person you're responding to was going to put into the game.
But not more effort than management put into ruining a game
Don't forget the meta where a new paid DLC weapon is super unbalanced and great for two weeks until the devs nerf it into the ground and everyone goes back to the default weapons that are just ok.
Oh shoot I knew I missed one! The battle pass is weapon is op and then we will nerf it just before the next battle pass drops, to ensure an OP/Nerf cycle to enforce you always have the newest battle pass and buy tiers and have more time than filthy grinders to abuse it's OPness
I'll only support this if I can pre-order it for double the price, and have an option at launch to pay an additional $50 to make the butt sprites into dickbutt instead
I'll pay triple if I can play it 25 minutes before anyone else has access.
The $50 dickbutt DLC isn't scheduled to be released until a month after the launch, but for an extra $70 you can get the limited edition collectors edition at launch, that comes with a cheaply made Mario-with-a-butt-instead-of-a-head limited edition figurine.
And for $40 you can also purchase the "getting started" pack--that includes a save file where we beat the game, so you don't even have to play it. Your name, email address, and SSN will be on our first-to-finish list!
What about us whales? Can i pay triple and have a digital art book and a poorly painted plastic dickbutt figurine?