this post was submitted on 16 May 2024
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I had a girlfriend in my 20s that used to hook up with other girls. For some reason I never considered that cheating and never cared. No idea why it never bothered me.
Relationships are all different and unique. Something that's cheating to you may not be to this relationship, or vice versa. I'm a proponent of open relationships, with good communication - if we discuss it and there's no deception, it's not cheating.
Traditional relationship models are so weird.
Making up all these different definitions of “cheating” vs “emotional cheating” and distinguishing them from other instances of hurtfully not honoring agreements.
It's just that: people have an agreement with each other and one of them expressed that it's very important for them emotionally for the other to honor it. Then the other didn't. That expectedly hurts.
Why is there a special word when the agreement is about sex?
They aren't even "traditional" really. We didn't start pairing off in "lifelong partnerships," aka marriage, until a few thousand years ago. We spent hundreds of thousands of years existing in communal tribes.
I'm not disagreeing with your core message: monogamy isn't “older” than polygamy. But neither is it the other way around: We probably did both since very long ago.
The notion that there's a human “tech tree” of civilization is wrong. E.g. Agriculture doesn't “follow” hunting and gathering, and neither does centralized power (like in a state) “follow” agriculture. Humans have been experimenting with social structures since basically the beginning.
So within the last tens of millenia, there were probably societies that were monogamous, some that were polygamous, and some that rotated or did both, and of these some depending on some social stratification and some depending on personal preference.
Source: “The dawn of everything”
I totally hear you there. No problem with whatever people want to do. Everyone should be able to pursuit their happiness if it isn’t causing others harm or distress. Live and let live.
Maybe polyamory is something for you
I’m in my early 40s with four kids now and that seems like way too much work lol. To be clear though, I definitely would have considered it cheating if she was with another dude. It was just with other women it wasn’t an issue at all for me.
I’m with you on this. It doesn’t feel like cheating at all unless it’s with a man
Might even get a threesome out of it!
in that case you may have some unrealized homophobia, causing you to not view queer interactions as fully valid compared to straight interactions
lol what? Not sure what you read but I said I had no problem with my girlfriend with other girls.
Furthermore I’ve hung out with tons of gay people. My brother was gay (died of fentanyl). Zero issues with whatever people want to do in their bedroom. None of my business anyway.
I think they mean some guys don't consider 2 women having sex to be "real sex" so they don't think it's cheating.
Oh, im really not that deep. I don’t spend much time worrying about what others are doing for sex or intimacy.
Some other user said it’s probably because I can’t compare myself to a girl, unlike another man, which is probably true.
Appreciate you explaining what they probably meant by that comment as I was extremely confused
My thoughts exactly. My wife loves being with other women, and we both like mff relationships, so we just got a girlfriend. Solves so many problems and makes raising a kid together so much easier with an extra set of hands. Makes the various medical issues between all of us easier to deal with.
Way to break serial monogamy cycle
Even in cases where it ends a relationship, there's something slightly less bad about a partner cheating on you with a gender different than your own. "What do they have that I don't have?? Oh, right, a vagina and boobs/a dick."
Yeah that probably has a lot to do with it now that you mention it.
Should it bother you? Was your girlfriend being dishonest to you, or mistreating you? In the end, if you're fine with it, then its fine.
I’ve seen more often than not (like this post) that other guys are uncomfortable and consider their girlfriend with another girl a deal breaker. To me it makes no sense.
My girlfriend never really talked to me about it, just kinda found out or she might mention something here or there. Didn’t really matter.
This was also back in the day - raves, bars, drinking, drugs, sex. The good old days lol.
It's never bothered me as a concept either, though I've never had it tested. I figure it's just a inbuilt bias or underlying thought pattern that has been built in from an early age. Not the best honestly, but not really a battle worth prioritising either.