No Stupid Questions

Building on a sibling comment about loving yourself. I only got there in 2019. My world changed when I achieved this. Therapy was how I got there. It took many years. Find a therapist you trust. It might not be the first one. My average (across decades) is one that I trust for every two that I meet (one relocation and one therapist retired, so three total that I trust). I never thought I'd become who I am and I'm eternally grateful for the outcome.

I sympathize, sorry that you're feeling this way. It sucks to not have someone to be with. I don't know if it'll help much, but I thought I'd share my story too.

I'm 2 years out of an 8 year relationship. I think I'm damaged to say the least, but I was damaged even before then. I struggle to connect with people, and breaking the physical barrier is also really difficult for me. I wish I was better at it, but I'm just kind of an awkward dude. I can be a bit uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes.

I met a girl recently and I thought things were going really well. We had lots of common interests, and the raport between us was really great. I was genuinely excited to get to know her as a person, and to be spending time with someone again. I was hopeful, and happy. It was nice to think that I might have someone I could actually share with again. I don't want to wallow in self-pity or anything, but I'm in my 30's and I'd be lying if I said the general disconnect I usually feel hasn't affected me on some deep level.

We were hanging out one day and things were going well up until I attempted to kiss her. It's such a dumb thing to blunder, but my bad timing, awkward word choices, and even my incorrect physical positioning caused me to rush things and not really give the moment a chance to unfold organically. I don't know why I get like this, it's very ammature and probably the quality I dislike the most about myself. I think maybe I'm just scared to fully allow myself to be vulnerable to people. I don't really think I'm a bad kisser in general, I'm actually great at other physical/intimate things, but I just kind of messed this one up a bit. I allowed myself to be overly nervous/anxious, and I just wasn't at my best. Mistakes happen sometimes. That was all it took though. She went from being pretty engaged with me to generally disinterested just like that. It sucks because It made me feel like her entire decision was based on this one failed interaction. I don't want to sound stuck up or something, but I think I deserve better than that.

I found out there were other factors too though. She was already interested in someone else at the time she was hanging out with me. It feels kind of pathetic to admit it, but I think I just got outcompeted. I know that I should give myself some allowance for the fact that there was nothing that I could do about that aspect, she's entitled to her choices, but she wasn't very forthright with me either. She led me on, and stood me up on plans to hang out. That was really selfish behavior on her part.

I know that girls do this sometimes for fear of hurting guy's feelings, but just don't. Be honest, and transparent with us, it's easier for everyone in the long run. I think I deserved a better chance than what she gave me, and if she was that superficial already then she probably wasn't right for me anyway. It sucks, but that's where I'm at with it right now. I'm not hateful towards her or anything like that, just disappointed really.

I don't know really where I'm going with all this, but just suffice it to say that understanding and learning from relationships is difficult sometimes. I think I'd just say to try not to give up if you can help it, but if you feel like you need to go into self-preservation mode then that's ok too.

Best regards tall skinny internet stranger.

You build resentment when you act in a way that's not in full accordance with yourself. Notice the problem and try to do something about it. You can change your behavior or change your mind.

I agree with the others but here is some advice when you are happy being alone.

Don't let the search for a gf become a large part of your life again. I was on all the dating apps and whatnot thinking I was ready to have a gf and I still think I was. But the search started consuming me i spent an hour or two a day reading profiles and going through pictures to try to find the right one. i would read the bios of girls and think about how perfect we would be together and swipe on them. If a girl swipped on me even if she wasn't up to my standards I would swipe just because... maybe if I give her a chance... it would work.

After maybe a year of that, numerous dates and spiraling depression I realized what it was doing to me. I found a half way decent dating app and canceled all the other subscriptions. Then I just started trading it as a game, 5/10 minutes here or there throughout the week and that was it. I was in a much better place. Fast forward 3 months and my gf actually swiped on me, fast forward a year and we are expecting our first kid.

I agree with the be happy to be alone advice. That part is very important. However, a practical thing you can do, which you probably already know is hitting the gym.

It serves two purposes

1. It makes you slightly more attractive
2. It makes you aware that you are attractive

The second one is the more important one, but it can't be attained without the first. You gain immense confidence by seeing yourself in a new light, as somebody that you yourself think is attractive. Going to the gym is also doable for most people, and while it is hard work it's not difficult.

Ten years ago I started going to the gym. I gained a lot of confidence. I stopped going after a few years, but the fact that I know I can boost my attractiveness and confidence if I put in the work still makes me a happier, more confident person.

I'm not sure you age but from what I understand, many people between 20-40 have been having issues finding genuine relationships and "situationships" are on the rise. I know several people that claim to be happy having 2-3 half commited partners (whom often also have other partners), but i don't believe they are that happy, especially compared to a genuine relationship.

As others had said try to just stick to your own personallity and focus on your own happiness, changing yourself or your standards just to get laid often doesn't work. When i was going through a phase of depression i started seeing a partner whom couldn't commit to me the way i desired, but i stuck around anyway because it was a nice distraction from my life. A few months later we called it offand there was a fair amount of emotional pain. The relationship was kinda of toxic as well and I'll probably carry scars from it into my next one. Even just the memories, good or bad, are constant distraction some times. My overall point is don't commit to it if its not what you genuinely want, good relationships have been on the decline for a while so its not always your fault if you can't establish one.

After my last gf it took me 4 years to find someone. I was going through grief on the prospect of being single for a long time. Then when the acceptance hit I rode it like it was the last step on grief. I just do me, meaning I watch movies by myself, eat out by myself, do stuff by myself. Most of my friends are couples so it's easy to escape a crowd. I had my best vacation by booking 4 days earlier than the group and stay at a hostel and join randoms in their adventure. Sometimes it's awkward but I didn't try too hard so when one experience sucks I went to the next one. TLDR: I drown myself with hobbies and things I like to do and didn't actively look for someone. But when it feels like going for someone then I date.

I agree with the recommendation for therapy. I can say that it helped me to get in a more positive and constructive mind set.

Other thoughts on your lack of intimacy:

Getting a pet can give some kind of replacement for intimacy with another human being. Sure, it is not the same. But cuddling with a cat can help to feel less lonely.

For intimicy as in "sex", I think there is nothing wrong with considering sex workers. Unless of course it is illegal in your country...

How skinny are you? It might. Be your style or your taste in person you’re going after. I was very skinny but didn’t struggle and I mean 120 at 6 foot 1 skinny

Get in the gym guy

Is your region particularly conservative?

I've heard more right-leaning people associate largeness with masculinity. Being in a blue state, I hear a lot of women talk about liking skinny guys.

But then again, the same people who say that can find bigger guys they like too. Sooo size probably isn't the main factor here.

Aim lower.

It sounds shitty but there’s merit. Think of it like an RPG, where you grind on low level fodder until you have enough confidence to land where you really want. Also, you may find that people who you’ve generally considered “unattractive “ in the past are actually really great because they’re genuinely decent people.

Bag a few 2 or 3 girls (by your standards) so you feel confident and good enough about yourself that you’re not in a pit of despair.

I also noticed is that when you really stop trying, that’s when things tend to happen. Like you have to consciously stop trying. People can smell the desperation and effort a mile away. Confidence is sexy because it comes off as effortless.

Just remember Mario, your princess is in another castle.

You could start doing single activities, depending on where you live. Even if you don't find someone right for you, you could hang out with people in the same general situation.